Welp I figured if I'm gonna do this whole site I should probably start writing/confessing everything out through this blog. I am an addict. I have been an addict for many years. I have an extremely addictive personality, I've jumped from addiction to addiction, I guess I just never like to do anything half-assed :p har har, junkie joke. I know how and why everything has played out like it has, I had some traumatic events happen to me throughout my youth and never really dealt with it. Turns out my way of dealing with it is often times through really REALLY unhealthy things. I have found one healthy outlet, and, ironically, it's through writing. And I don't mean like this random stupid blog, I mean like poetry and stuff, but I don't really feel like getting into that. Cause unfortunately I kind of have forgotten about that healthy outlet in recent times and have somehow wound myself up in this predicament. I am addicted to opiates. Physically addicted. I've never really been physically addicted before, I mean I have, but not to this level. I never in a million years would have ever imagined myself to literally be addicted to drugs. I am a hardcore drug user, and I can't stop. I want to stop. Desperately. I hate who I am. And I think that's really what kills me the most. I have had poor self-image/esteem issues in the past, with an eating disorder, which all stemmed from hating who I was. Well you can imagine if I hated myself so much when I was "fat" that I literally almost staved myself to death, that I kinda hate myself alot right now for doing the things that I've done to keep up with this addiction.
I'd just like to stop for a second and let you know that my closest friends don't know any of this and I'm opening up on this blog as pretty much my public diary. I know I've done some terrible things as an addict but I'm on this site to find support in fighting my addiction, so please, if you're thinking any negative thoughts and thinking about making me feel even worse about myself, please just stop yourself right here and click out of my profile. I don't think I could handle feeling any worse about myself and I would appreciate it if you could not do that. So anyways…
I'm currently trying to fight off my addiction but even thought I've been puetting in good faith efforts, it's just not enough. I think mostly because I have no support system. My whole addiction is still in the closet, and my friends have no idea what I'm going through, they have no idea why I don't want to hang out with them anymore. I've lost interest in everything in my life. I haven't even seen many of my friends in weeks, and I don't care to. Going out with them is a waste of my money, as far as my addict mind is concerned right now. It makes me SO fucking sad and disgusted. I miss my friends. I miss having fun. I miss having goals. I miss having A LIFE. I do nothing these days. Nothing but sit as my table and get high. And try to find ways of getting more high. Getting money to support my addiction. That's where it really shoots me in the heart. I recently started stealing from my one main support system, the one person who will always love my unconditionly. And it literally shatters my heart to pieces. I've never felt like such a fucking horrible person until this point. But I still continue to do it. It's like I have two people running my body. I used to run my body, and I was a great and wonderful person, but lately somebody else has taken over. Somebody with no friends, no life, no family, and nothing to care about but this substance. This person is a fucking monster and I want them gone. I need a straight up exorcism.
But there in lies the fucked up problem. The never ending addiction. Quitting being addicted to being addicted. I've tried so hard, got so close, but can't quite seem to do it. So I'm hoping, actually praying in fact, that you people out there fighting the good same fight that I am, can somehow help me overcome this demon. I need it gone. I need my life back. It stole it, and I just want myself back again.
I'm sorry this is so incredibly long, like I said above, I don't have anyone to talk to about this, so it's kinda been building up for a long time. If you somehow cared enough/were bored enough to read all this, God bless you, and thank you, please message me or something. I feel like if you've read all this you atleast know me somewhat enough to help me through this fight, or can just atleast talk to me about your own battles, or just life in general. I could use someone to talk to real bad right now. In case you didn't catch that vibe.
Welp I think that's all I got in me for now. I think I'm gonna keep up with this whole blog thing, shockingly (jk), this whole writing thing has been very theraputic. But chyeah, please feel free to message me, or however this whole site works, I just made this profile like 10 minutes ago, I would sincerely and appreciately love to hear from you. Sorry this whole message is probably full of spelling and grammar errors by the way, this is a site for people under the influence right? ha. Hopefully over the weeks my messages will straghten out to be perfect 🙂
But anyways, I genuinely hope all of you have happy and blessed nights <3 stay strong everyone! I am here for you!