I am at a point in my life where I am lost… I feel anxious most days and the days I don’t feel anxious I feel depressed and don’t want to do anything. I force myself to get out of bed to go to work most days and force a smile on my face when surrounded by those who love me or who i work with.  Even thinking about my upcoming wedding in august only makes me feel better for a little while. Its not long before the anxiety takes back over though. I was going to see my therapist but then my health insurance cut me off… I’m not sure if I will be able to get back on health insurance. I am hoping I meet some friends through this website… I know its silly but I feel alone right now.  Reaching out like this is not easy for me. I hope I am doing the right thing by joining this website. I have a whole story to tell but I am not sure where to begin. I guess I will start with the last five years. The last five years have been a whirl wind of good and bad events. I met, fell in love with, broke up with a few times, got back together with, moved in with and got engaged to my fiance. I moved out of a bad situation living with my dad and his wife. I went through hell trying to maintain a relationship with my father only to have him constantly push me away and tell me that everything I am doing with my life is wrong. My brother was diagnosed with bi polar disorder, as was my best friend, and I found out my mom also is bi polar. I am pretty sure there is something wrong with my father mentally as well though he refuses to admit it let alone get the help he needs.  In the past five years I feel as though I am waking up for the first time. As though before the past five years I was sleeping, unaware of the world around me, as well any emotions I might be feeling towards the world around me. Then suddenly I woke up: it took me five years but I slowly but surely began to feel like I have never felt before. I don’t remember feeling anything before I turned twenty…. I don’t know what that means if anything but its true.  In the past five years I have also realized my father isn’t the man I thought he was. He never was a good man… he was always a pathetic coward.