I'm stressed and upset. I just had a 90 minute conversation with my best friend. I haven't seen her in over 3 weeks, and was worried that it was because of that shameful night that happened and the texts my husband had been sending her. We ended up talking about how underneath all the pretty pictures we have of a happy marriage, just how truly f*cked up it really is. No communication, no similar interests, no real sex life to speak of ~ only our shared history and our son. It's so lonely here in this place where I am with my marriage. And despite all of that, I still love him. I don't know what's best to do. We haven't started therapy yet ~ I guess I should make that call today. (sigh) I'm honestly not looking forward to marital therapy; there's going to be so much pain brought up and resentment that I don't want to have to deal with after we leave the appointments. I don't want the arguments and the fights that will ensue from those sessions. Somehow I have convinced myself that what we have is "normal" and okay, when really its none of those things.
It's been raining all morning. The sunrise was quite pretty through the raindrops ~ to the east it was clear and a pink and orange sky shined through. It made the drops shimmer like gold. I was feeling good about todayat that point ~ hopeful and peaceful. Not now. I wish I could just shake this, but I know I'll beruminating about it all day. And I don't know how I'm going to reactto him when he comes home and wants to play alongwith the 'everything is great' b.s. I don't know if I can do it.
We're supposed to be going toa baseball game tonight and I invited our friends to go with us.Wewon 2 free tickets the last time, and our cell phone provider offers 2 free tickets to each customer once a month and it happens to be on today's game. I picked up 2 yesterday and I'llhave Aaron pick up 2 more on the wayhome from work if they're going togo.At least if they go that will relieve some of the tension for mebecause I'll be able to talk with Michelle and Mikeand Aaron can talk. And Zach will have fun just running around trying to catch foul balls, lol.That and cheering for our team and screaming when they land a run.I just need to chill out and put my feelings on theback burner for now I guess.
I just keep going back to what Aaron's really thinking… What's going on inside of him; in his heart and mind? What are his hidden agendas (because I know they're there), the situation with Michelle has proven that tome. What other hidden thoughts and behaviors is hehiding from me? I honestly can say, andsadly say, that I don't trust myown husband right now. And let's be honest, I haven't for a very long time.Not since histryst with Michelle5 years ago. It's funny,because I trust her ~ butnot him. Those texts he sent her without my knowledge tells me it was something he didn't want me toknow about, and that makes me really distrusthis motives and the things he's doing when I'm not around. I don't know where this is going, but I'm scared.Big changes are going to happen inone way or another…and I hate change. And I also hate the fact that I have no control over the outcome really.
I need to go exercise and do some serious stretching ~ focus on endorphins and breathing and physical well-being. That will help me,but I don't have the motivation. I also want to goto the store to get someof those little woven storage bins so I can start clearing outall of Zach's unused toys and put the rest away. I'm so tired of theclutter! It makes me crazy to see it and feel overwhelmed at the same time. I bet he won't evennotice the stuff that's missing. He'll just assumeI organized it all.
I received several cards in the mailyesterday for my birthday and wanted to thank those of youthat sent them! I reallymeant a lot tome andtouched me. Right now they're gracing the mantle in the living room soI can see them and feel good every time I walk by and see them. 🙂
Well,I have to call the vet. Trigger (my bunny) is highly allergic to fleasand apparently he has them because he's got bad dermatitis on his back. I need to get him some anti-flea meds from the vet again. Poor bunny ~ he's miserable! 🙁
Have a goodFriday everyone.