I feel really strange right now.

I had a major… something with my dad two weeks ago. Basically… he and I got into a fight, and because I was so stressed I just flipped on him. But not in the angry way…?

I sent him an email that took me two hours to write and I told him everything. How I'm so afraid of failing, so afraid of being alone… how I feel so insignificant and so confused and just not good enough. I told him how I feel ugly, how I feel stupid, how I feel fat. 

I explained to him all about the social anxiety. I explained the physiological reasons behind it; how my brain was much more sensitive when it came to releasing certain chemicals. 

I told him absolutely everything. I told him how I was really sensitive and how I needed to be encouraged and supported, not teased and ridiculed. I told him how much he'd hurt me in the past, and how more than anything I wanted to be able to move past it all and finally have a good relationship with him.

And we traded emails back and forth, and it seemed like for once things were actually going to change. 

And my parents were so worried about me they drove to my university and took me home for the weekend. And all weekend he gave me really calculating, cautious glances when he thought I wasn't looking.

And then I went home again last weekend. I decided to make a cake just because I felt like it… and you know what he said? "Are you sure you want to eat that? Your butt is looking kinda large lately.."

And then he actually paid my little brother and his two friends to eat my cake, just so that I couldn't.

I am 5'4". I weigh 130 lbs.

I know I'm not skinny, but I am not overweight.  

And then he just kept on it. He kept tearing me down, over and over. Saying the exact things that I told him hurt me.  

So I looked at him, and in complete seriousness I said "We've been over this. STOP IT."

But he didn't stop. 

So I left. And I cried and cried and cried. Not so much because of what he said, but because I was so bitterly disappointed… I had really thought that things were finally going to change.

I ignored him for the rest of the weekend. 

He keeps saying "I want what's best for you,".

I don't think he realizes that what's best for me would be for him to not be in my life.

I have taken his shit for eighteen years.

I have tried everything I can think of to make him change.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

He just keeps on making me feel worthless.

There will always be a next time. 

He will always tear me down, always make me cry.

I can't handle that.

I'm going home again this weekend for Easter. I told him to be nice or I'd pack up and go back to school.

He'd better be on his best behaviour. 

 

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