it’s been a little while since i last blogged and lots of things have been going on in the mean time. i have been up and down like a rollercoaster… had some big highs and some equally as big lows. i think it’s taken it out of me a little bit but am working very hard on keeping myself in positive moving-forward mode but i do soooo wish i could change the way my head works as i make so many of my own worries myself just lately. but i am working on that with staff nurse and at my new relapse prevention group with all the cbt they are throwing at me so fingers x-d that aspect will start getting better soon.

i thought i would write this blog as an update and also to try and make me see that the positives do outweigh the negatives. sadly, the negatives ( or my perceived negatives) become so powerful and all-consuming to me that they completely cancel out the positives and i can see nothing else but them being right so….here we go….

+ve’s :
session with dad that was scary as hell but managed to resolve some issues a little and will have given him food for thought and me the courage to keep up being assertive with him

been out and about alot and met new people which managed without any panic attacks

had a msg from my grandad through a clairvoyant which i was soooo not expecting and was a really lovely msg too

spent lots of fun time with the only person in my life who takes me for who i am warts and all and as yet hasn’t tried to change me or drop me (fingers x-d so tightly that he doesnt… praying its not famous last words… :S)


i feel very lonely and unwanted all round – i’m not sure if this is my own mind telling me this or if its true. i feel like the words my family etc say do not match with their behaviour.

noone believes me about the clairvoyant – each to his own and all that… but it meant alot to me and i would like people to respect my beliefs and opinions which it seems like is never going to happen

am very frustrated all the time with alot of the people around me and they hurt me deeply and i can’t  manage to shake it off like they all tell me too

i’m very scared and very alone

i have no support from anyone – not real support. they say i have support but its not real. everyone treats me like a one way street – a sponge for all their shit and then dont want to listen to mine and it hurts


i’ve had enough of blogging now but will perhaps update this again in abit x





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