All of a sudden I got this surge of sadness cloud over me this past week. I'm so sad all the time and so frustrated with feeling this way. I try to make decisions that'll benefit me but my depression just steers me away and I continue to do the things that make me feel this way. It's almost as if I'm obsessed with being depressed but I am at the breaking point. I feel like my heart has sunken deep down into my chest and that my soul is dying. Why do little things affect me so damn much? Why can I just be like any normal human being and accept failure and rejection with humility and just pick up the pieces and move on? I want to be normal, is that too much to ask for?
On a more uplifting note I did finally make a tiny step towards recovery; I visited the psychiatry department today and gave my old therapist a call and I hope to be hearing from her soon to get myself set up with an appointment to see her again. I am willing to do what it takes to change this horrible illness that has plagued my life ever since I can remember. I'm not sure if medicine will help but I'm willing to do and try anything and everything that'll help me in my recovery. I'm ready to be happy again but permanently this time. I'm ready to open myself to others. This lonliness is killing me inside so much that I don't necessarliy want to commit suicide but I do want my life to end somehow. I don't want to give up though, something needs to change and it needs to change soon, I don't know how much longer I can live like this. I feel like a depressed zombie walking on this earlth without any signs of real life. I just hope that the damaged that this illness has caused me is reparable.