I have ups and downs. Well, the ups are more like ‘feeling ok’ and the downs are catastrophic. Numbness, hopelessness, self hate.
The reason I came here was primarily for what seems to be anxiety which has commandeered my sleep and thoughts. The fears being: 1. The return of the ‘downs’ and; 2. Thoughts of sexual coercion, manipulation and rape by past boyfriends.
I am in a much better (and good!!) and loving relationship now and my boyfriend is the stark opposite to the others. I have no reason to fear him or the past boyfriends. Yet the thoughts and anxious feelings persist.
I am hoping that opening up to my current boyfriend and more people I trust will stop this anxiety. I want to solve this anxiety, learn to like myself and use my unpleasant experiences for good. My female cousin is soon to enter the dating age and, as her big sister type role model, I have been thinking of how I will equip her with the right wisdom to understand her value as a person and the mutuality of sex. We are close and her father tells me she looks up to me. He brought this up and is keen to have me have this impact. He trusts me and so does she. On top of this, whilst I’m in no position right now to campaign for this, I want the education system to stop being so backwards and not limit their sex ed classes to sex for reproduction or love and sex for STDs. These kids will end up having sex for pleasure like everyone does and they’ve not been educated on the importance of being ready, certain and valuing yourself. With adequate information, girls like me might not have had to put up with the shit that was thrown their way and perhaps even boys like the ones I dealt with wouldn’t ever have done that…