My bdd is bothering me so much right now I do not know how I am going to get through the day.

Over the last 4 years I have improved a ton, but I feel like I am at sqaure one. Honestly, I usually call my therapist at least once a day if not a couple times a week. I mean I can work, its just where I am right now still.

Over the last 48 hours, I have called him about 12 times if not more.

I watch a boy who is mildly autisic and this morning I over slept and was 15 minutes late. No one was pissed, but me. In a little bit I have to take him to the clinic. After that I am sitting for another family.

But today at the library I saw another lady from the running group I haven\\'t seen in awhile she told me I looked great, but she said I am thinner. I think when she said that my face dropped(like someone had died, I know how my facial expression gets when I hear a comment about my weight), because her next comment was I looked like I just came out of a magazine. Maybe she saying that just to be nice, because my mouth dropped when said I am thnner and she saw my expression. I told my therapist, and he said maybe, because she saw my reaction. Than I told her I hope I am not too thin. She said I am not, but not to lose anymore weight, but she made that comment when I first started talking to her, and I didn\\'t ask her for this feedback.

I can\\'tcontrol peoples comments, but its been a little much lately and I wish I could. I was at a party over the weekend, and a guy told me I am "skin and bones" I actually emailed him, and he apologized and said he was jealous, because I am better shape then he is.  I was starting to panic a little so I called a friend who has gotten me some home health care jobs, and she said she on the phone, she is a little jealous of me and I look fine.

I appreciated her feedback, but I feel badly, because I kept dissecting, picking apart, twisting my therapists words over the phone today. If you saw me over the phone, you would not want to be around me. I could not of been more annoying. I feel like I am acting how I was when I was hospitalzed 4 years, but I am much better now(just hard on myself, probably the biggest roblem). Just been having a bad streak right now

I just keeping falling apart, because when I hear peoples comments about me being too thin, I hear it as TOO THIN, or I look sickly. And today the lady who said I have gotten thinner has an accent, but I thought she might of said I am too thin, instead of saying I am thin(driving me nuts)

A friend made a comment that it is a little odd people are commenting so much on my apperance, but I think dropping a little weight has enhanced my apperance. But I can only see it as negative.

I wish this day was over. I hate how I behaved to my therapist, and I feel bad I call him so much.

I did do a race, 2 weeks ago. I twas for cash prizes and that is when the super fast people show up. I did 5 miles in 30:37. I could not of been happier.

Doing race for the cure this weekend. The thoughts about my apperanceare just so dilabiliting. I treat it like cancer or a death. I keep fearing that I will not be able to run in general, because I lack confidence in public and I will feel so horrible that I will be afriad to go outside and will just stop.

I know I am pretty black or white, but this was a learned behavior and I have trouble doing otherwise.

Justin