I feel like life is making me ill, although the truth is I am making myself ill. I am not sure how to get out of it. My therapist tells me that the reason people go to 12 step programs is because their addictions are just too big for them to handle on their own. She is right about that for sure… I am thinking of going to Over eaters anon, if I can find a meeting nearby… I need some kind of help in some area.

I was supposed to sign up for the gym today, but after the shit with K last night I ate a whole bag of chips along with almost a whole bottle of rum. I don't usually get sick if I eat with my booze, but this time I did. I was very very sick and couldn't stop throwing up all night. I was thinking how many times is the same person going to drive me to this insanity? It's not even his fault anymore. It's MY fault. My fault I make myself sick and I can't stop it.

Tonight is one of the Big Games. I was going to have pizza and try a new rum flavor, but I'm afriad I will get sick again. I am going to see how my stomach feels at 6 o'clock. Now is that an addict or what? Puke my guts up and then watch the clock to see when I can try to keep the next drink down. Lovely.

And everyone else thinks this is one big party, because for them it is. Giants in the World Series, Halloween weekend LIFE IS FUCKIN FUN for everyone but me it seems. I can at least come on here and realize I am not the only one who isnt' having fun all the time and I'm not the only depressed person. I don't like to see other ppl suffer, but at least I am not alone. I don't want anyone to feel alone and I hope ppl read my blogs and get something out of them, even if it's to laugh at me, because I am truly a pathetic soul.

It's been 5 yrs since I told K I wasn't sure things were going right and 5 yrs tomorrow from when he dumped me. I guess it's fitting that yesterday I told him I still love him and now I have no chance of even being his friend.