Still manic as hell…  this morning on the train, I was babbling about one thing after another.  I remember saying something about "Great Expectations," and there was some discussion of our friend Steve, and I know I went on a tangent about how the American Revolution and the Vietnam War have a lot of interesting similarities.  I decided Charlie was thinking: 

1.  It’s way too early for me to keep up with your manic, leap-frogging train of thought.  I’m not really awake, yet, and you’re talking about Ho Chi Minh.  (Even though he does find some of it funny, or interesting, there are times when he looks at me like, "why do you know this?  Or…  why are you thinking about this, right now?")

2.  You could probably stop this, if you really wanted to.  (I get the feeling that he thinks I’m full of shit, sometimes.  Like, I could control my extreme tendencies, if I really wanted to.  Which is crap, but I can’t really get mad at him since I’m just guessing at what he’s thinking.  Getting pissed on that basis really would be crazy.  And, I’m not that far gone, yet.) 

This could all be paranoia.  He still seems to enjoy my company, but I don’t know what that means, anymore.  My perspective on the situation is in a constant state of flux

I’ve made some new friends recently, on Dtribe.  A couple of them are close to my own age, and seem like people I would LOVE to chill with (but they’re so damn far away).  It’s a little frustrating – meeting people you really click with, who crack you up, or who really get you, (or both)  and not being able to hang out with them, in person.  But, whatever…  without Dtribe I wouldn’t have them at all, and some of these conversations have really lifted my spirits, lately.  One of them is a lovely young lady who, like me, isn’t friendly with many women.  She and I catch up, at least a few times a week.  The other is a very smart, very groovy cat who makes me laugh like a mother [email protected]#$er every time we talk.  And, we talk almost every day.  They’re both great people, and I’m really lucky to know them.  I hope to hang out with both of them in person in the not-to-distant future.  But, for now, I’m just grateful for the laughter these conversations have inspired.  I’ve really needed it.

My mom just called.  I told her I was busy, and I would call back.  She always sounds so defeated and disappointed, which makes me feel like a piece of shit, but if I talk to her right now, I won’t finish this blog for a while, which means I’ll put off my shower, and that will set off a chain reaction of slacking that will corrupt the rest of the day.  I know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s true.  She’ll talk forever, I’ll get depressed, and decide to smoke before my shower.  Then, when I’m good and stoned, someone will call to hang out, and I will say, "sure.," and when they get here, I’ll have to entertain them, so, nothing else will get done.  No shower…  no housework…  no play…  and, maybe, even…  no blog!  Madness! 

I apologize.  I’m a little goofy today. 

Got some good news this a.m.  Someone on Dtribe who was struggling a great deal seems to be doing a bit better today, and I am so grateful for that.  Who in the tribe hasn’t wanted to give up at some point?  I’ve felt like giving up, pretty recently.  But, I haven’t gone there, yet, so maybe that’s one impulse I’ll actually be able to resist.  Be kind to yourselves, people.

And, Happy Birthday to Lookingforward!  

– Kit

1 Comment
  1. aloneandlonely 13 years ago

    I soo know what you mean about meeting ppl on here and wishing you could hang out with them. I think the quality of ppl I meet here is way better than the ones I meet in my everyday life, and they can relate to how I feel. Thats soo hard to find in this world.

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