I meet a lot of the criteria for OCD, For example, when I was child I presistently thought of my mom dying in a car accident. So, when she left for work I thought of this constantly. I would cry, panic, and pace around the yard trying to talk myself out of the panic. This would happen every-day. I would call my mom at least – and this is no joke – 10-15 times a day just to see if she was still alive. The thoughts that she had died literally consummed my life. Another instance was when I was 16. I thought I might be gay. Of course, after this thought, I experienced extreme anxiety that I was gay and there was nothing I could do. This happened for a year – constantly thinking I was gay, even though I didn't want to be. Also, intrusive thoughts of sex with males would enter my mind and I would shake my head to get them out (even though that never seems to work, right). Every time I'd see a guy friend I'd wonder whether I was gay or liked him. But, I immediately thought that this was strange. It scared me. Other sexual thoughts – like with my mom, or sister, for example, have entered and I've felt bad. Sometimes I've actually – against my better judgment – allowed myself to fantasize about these thoughts, but only in regards to distant cousins. Not that it makes it anymore right. I'd never try something like what I percieve in my in reality, of course. Yet, the guilt over allowing myself to be pleased over images like strange, adnormal sexual thoughts led to severe guilt. This was dibilitating guilt. I would have to confess to my mom, because that was the only way the guilt would ever stop I thought. So I would. She would be disappointed in me, but chalked it up to me being a child and going through puberty. I just listened to her. Before I would confess this transgressions I would obsess over my wrong-doing, thinking of going to hell and being abandondend by anyone because they'd be so embarrassed by me. Finally, I didn't care, and like I said, I'd confess just to alleviate the constant thinking of doing such stupid things in my mind. Of course, I'd feel much better – almost as if nothing happened. A lot of the times I think I'm sick. I'm never concerned with germs. Sickness, though, is always at the forefront of my mind. One strange sensation in the groin area, the stomach, the back; if I become confused randomly, or forget something I normally wouldn't, I think I'm sick with cancer, or aids, or some unknown disease the doctors won't be able to cure. Even when I see the doctors, and even when the tests are fine, and even when they send me on my way, I'm never convinced that I'm not sick some-how. There are elemets of religious fear, too. If I do something bad, like when I look at pornography, or recall kissing my cousin or asking to see her naked when I was a kid, I immediately feel guilt that I believe is peculiar to me, in that it separates me from God in some acute way. Right now I believe that I've done too much bad to be loved. Sometimes I can overcome it, but I'm exhausted with trying to believe I can make him love me. As a Christian, I believe in grace and, therefore, no works can save. Yet, the thoughts persist that I'm not good enough for some reason. Even though I know that God is a simple being – meaning, he has no parts – and that He is a unchanging being, he therefore cannot have emotions, I still believe he hates me; that he changes his mind about me when I sin. I feel some-waht removed from him. I think about that a lot too. Recently, though, I've begin to worry I'm crazy because all this. Once that thought entered into my mind, anxiety emerged rapidly. I couldn't stop and have been pre-occupied with that thought for weeks now (some days are more intense than others). These are just some of the major instances.
However, I cannot seem to discover any compulsions. Why is that? At least typical compulsions. My question is: Can pacing, intense pcing, like I've been doing since I was child, be a ritual or compulsion? I usually pace around the house, interweaving through-out various rooms. This is usually passive, as I am deep in thought trying to talk to myself. This another question: I talk to myself in such a way that I imagine others are there with me, and I am sort-of teaching others (I want to be a teacher) things I learn. I imagine them listening and learning and loving me as a teacher. This sort of calms me down. For example, if the fear of me being sick is present I might talk to an imagined crowd of friends and family maybe just one of those) about what I know of the sickness. Maybe I don't really know anything about; maybe it's just what I want to be true. It doesn't matter. What matters is that I imagine myself teaching others, or talking to others about this sickness, in efforts to see myself as authoratative on the matter. Since I see myself as authoratative on the matter, I eventually decide I'm fine and calm begins to occur. Then I can go to sleep or back to work or whatever. Other people in my family have noticed – even when I haven't – that I will remove myself and they'll find me pacing and talking to myself in the yard. Other times my mom has said she has seen me, especially when I'm nervous, touching my ears and smelling my fingers. I don't even recall doing this.
*Withdraw from social gatherings and friends
*Anxiety, panic – usually when I have intrusive thoughts I don't want to be having (e.g. I'm crazy, sick, gay, etc.)
What are your thoughts? Does this sound like OCD to you? Thanks so much for your time!