Its been a while since I've been on here. I'm horrible about remembering to post things. I guess I'm just bad at doing things that could help me. Part of me is under the impression that I enjoy being sad. I guess it's possibly because it's what I'm used to. I hate change. It freaks me out and makes me stress which I do not appreciate. That fear of change, of course, causes me several problems. I'm not completely unrealistic. I understand that life changes, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

I was unable to return to school this semester which threw me for a loop. When I found out, I had two panic attacks back to back. It was horrible. After I finally regained proper breathing and such, I felt completely numb. I proceeded to drive myself to the park where I laid in my car, intending for my roommate to return. I knew it was a bad idea to go into the apartment by myself. After half an hour, and making a promise not to do anything stupid to my roommate, I went and took the hottest shower I could stand. At least the sting made me feel a little better.

Luckily, I have a wonderful roommate who sat down with me and helped me nail out a plan. I will be taking 60 hours of class at a bartending school to get my license, hopefully by February assuming I pass my speed test (because time limits and stress are awesome things for people with anxiety lol). After that hopefully I can get a job.

Honestly, I have no clue what I want in life and no idea where I want to go. I thought I did then my whole world got shaken.

Oh. And something else. I'm having a problem getting over my ex fiancé. We've been apart for a year and for some reason, I can't allow myself to fall for anyone else. Our relationship became toxic and still is. We aren't together any more but he still knows exactly how to hurt me. I feel like he thinks it's easier to make me hate him than for him to allow himself to love me again. I wish I could hate him. I wish I could stop caring. I wish I could put up a wall and be as heartless as he's pretending to be, but I can't. All I can do is hurt and cry and hurt some more. And it's sick. Absolutely sick as to how much I love him.

Sometimes I just want to smack myself and say "what the f**k is wrong with you???"

I don't think it'll solve anything though