She still isn't talking to me soI talked to her mother today to see how her and the baby were doing. She said they moved her into the apartment we were supposed to get back on the 2nd and her druggie friends are hanging out there all the time now. Her mother isn't happy about it but there's nothing any of us can do. Things are starting to spiral out of control and it's only been 3 weeks. I'm almost certain she is smoking both weed and cigs and she had almost completely left that life behind when we were together. I don't know what other drugs her friends do but I know I'm not happy with the situation at all; people do stupid stuff when under the influence. It wouldn't take much for her to lose her balance and fall on something in that 1920s apartment with loose carpeting and uneven floors. If things don't change once our baby is born I'm going to have to do everything I can to get my baby out of there; her mother already said she won't let her grandchild be raised in that environment.I don't want someone getting high and tossing my baby in the air and accidentally missing because of slow reflexes, or everyone being less vigilant and my baby getting into something, or someone losing their temper while high and abusing my child. The town she's living in isn't the best and just about every kind of drug available is there. We had plans to buy a wireless security system with 24hr monitoring if we did get theapartment just because of the location and frequent burglaries so now that's something else that's running through my mind. I don't want to jeopardize things so soon with there still being a glint of hope of us getting back together but with her hanging out with these people I'm the farthest thing from her mind. She's having fun like the good 'ol days only without her abusive ex-fiance beating her around. Her mother and her mother's boyfriend sayshe's trying find any reason she can to hate me but noneof us know if I'm keeping that from happening. All I know now is that the general consensusagrees she's endangering herself and the life of our child. It's been suggested I start seeking the assistance of a lawyer and find out my fathers rights, keep a log of any contact we have, and start building a case for when the shit does hit the fan. I'm still hoping things work out, I still love her, but I'm not going to sit around and wait. She already has a leg up on me by having a place of her own so I need to begin getting things in order in case she changes her mind about shared custody too. I'll be calling a local pro bono legal agency in the morning. I hate to do it, but I feel like I'm aiming a firearm at someone who is also armed ordering them to drop their weapon and they're refusing. They areslowly raising their arm and I don't know if they're going to drop it and put their hands on their heador fire on me.

In other news – I got the sleep aid I requested from my doctor on Monday and I start therapy on Thursday. I'm seeing my old therapist to start with and she'll decide if she's still the best one for me or if there's someone else on staff better suited for my case now that it's not just general depression with some social anxiety mixed in. I honestly don't know what talking to a therapist will do, but it can't hurt. The way I see it Natasha holds the key to set me free but maybe a therapist can teach me how to pick the lock. Supposedly CBT works all kinds of wonders so I guess I'll find out. We were about to start it when Natasha and I met but my mind was more focused on the new woman in my life than trying out thistreatment for the depression that had disappeared. Now that my head is back in the depression game with a vengeance maybe we can make some progress and end this sufferingfor good, or at least equip me with the tools to better manage it in the future.

1 Comment
  1. Mz_Unda_Std 4 years ago

    It’s hard when children are involved but you have to do why you have to do. Definitely do what you can to get yourself together before your child arrives. The baby is going to need you when he/she arrives. You can only do what you can to help the baby and yourself. If it is meant for you to get back with your baby’s mother then it will happen. From what it sounds like is that she needs to deal with stuff on her own and she’s kind of set on doing things her way right now. You can’t force her to do what’s right because it may drive her away further. Just offer support unconditionally and hopefully she turn around. Good luck with everything and ing in there. You’re doing what you’re supposed to do and that’s awesome. Big Hugs


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