The more I try to make my husband understand about me and depression the more I sometimes get upset.  I blew my top yesterday trying to make him understand how I feel.  I cried my eyes out.  He is going through the same thing, but he isnt a woman.  It just seems to me this depression gets next to me.  I felt like I just wanted to end my life, but then I think about my son and my daughter.  They are the love of my life.  I realize that I am being selfish and I shouldnt think like that.  My son he is the one I need to think about, I dont have much more time with him.  He is almost 16 he will be in October.  I know that his father attempted killing himself 2 weeks ago, but what would he think about me.  I know what he would think I was selfish.  I dont need to think about that.  I need to be positive.  I know it takes alot to do that, but I have the 2 most beautiful kids in this world.  God gave me my son at the age of 18, he and I have grown up together.  I tried to be more like his best friend than his mother.  I know that isnt the way it is, but now that I am older I am his mother.  I love him with all my heart and I would lay my life down for him if I had to.  My daughter I would do the same she is special to me because she is my daughter.  I had her at the age of 25.  She is so special to me because she is my only daughter.  I need to remember this from now on and not be selfish and think so negatively.  I need to learn that in depression you have ups and downs you maybe cured and you may have this the rest of my life.  You never know, but knowing my family history (which I just found out recently my mother suffers from G.A.D.) I know that I wont be cured in 6 months like my doctor is hoping.  When I go back I will be honest with him and tell him everything.  As for my husband, he suffers from depression, diabeties, and high blood pressure.  I just told him if we are going to stay together we have to GET ALONG and learn new ways to cope with all these diaeases that we have.  Especially the depression it gets next to you sometimes and you cant cope with it.  You just have to learn to cope with it and get it under control.  I just have to remember that my husband is suffering more than me and just be patient.  Like he has to be patient with me and my depression. Just take it day by day is all that you can do and learn to be patient.

2 Comments
  1. Jack 12 years ago

    Hi Crystal, I have thought about taking my own life more times than I care to admit. Like Tony says, it isn't the thinking about suicide that is so unnatural(although if these thoughts  persist please get help here at DT or any professional help), it is the act itself itself that is so selfish because so many people like your son and family and friends happen to love you so much. I have read many of your excellent blogs and did not know or failed to pick up on the fact that your husband suffers from depression plus a numberber of other diseases. Does now get professional help for his depression? Are you in couples counseling? Please stick around for your son and me. We, along with many others, happen to be very fond of you Crystal….Your Friend Jack

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  2. timestandsstill 12 years ago

    you shouldnt feel guilty for having thoughts.. i recently learned in my counseling class (which i hated :)) that most people think about suicide at one time or another. 

    thats a pretty kitty you got there 🙂 

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