Thank you to everyone who read my last blog and sent me messages… I appreciate it.
Right now I'm confused and angry. I usually feel that way anyway but it's effecting me now more than it has in awhile.
I'm honestly sick of being in recovery. I'm sick of hearing the same shit over and over. In recovery I don't have a life. I don't have real friends and I definitely don't have fun anymore.
Pills and coke were a big part of my “using” life. I don't have the desire to pop pills and do lines. I don't even have the desire to drink. I do have the desire to smoke weed.
Most of my life I believed that weed wasn't really a drug. I only started believing it was when I got into recovery. And the only reason I believed that was because that's what I was told to believe.
I feel like NA has almost brain-washed me in a way. Not just because of the whole weed things, but there are other reasons also. Maybe I feel like this because the pain hasn't got great enough for me or whatever. Maybe I'll regret writing this and maybe I won't but that's not going to stop me from writing it and expressing how I truely feel right now.
I feel like NA has 1 way and if you aren't following the “right” way then you aren't doing it right. But who is to say that there is only 1 way?
Lately I have been having thoughts that I can smoke weed, regulate it, and still be responsible. This is my first time trying to get clean/sober. I have never tried to regulate my drug use in my life. There is a part of me that wants to try it. I'm a very stubborn person and I will try it sooner or later just because there is that little bit of doubt in my mind. And I will always wonder unless I do it.
Maybe I'm right. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just crazy lol… who knows but I guess I'll find out…