Just finished a 7 day round of 12 hour shifts.

Last night was a good, solid 8 hour sleep. First time in a week I got more than 5 hours.

When I pull a lot of overtime, I sleep less, I get tired and I get depressed…. eventually I'll pass from depressed to robotic, numb. When I slip into not feeling/not thinking, it doesn't last very long; I swing back to depressed at a drop of a hat. My life becomes very unbalanced at such times.

I'd still like to get another 2 to 3 shifts if I could this June. Right now I'm down for 5 extra shifts, but another 2 or 3 would still give me a few days off and come in handy in catching up to and paying down my bills.

The reality is, I'm lousy with money. Always have been. The only thing that saved me over the years is that I had a solid, well-paying job. It will take 2 to 3 years of hard work to pay off my debts, but it is do-able…. if I limit my help to my kids and my friends and only if I take the overtime and the unbalance it creates in my head. The reason for the rush in two years is so that I can afford to take a greatly reduced pension at an early age and go back to what I want to do with the rest of my life, get my masters degree and research and advocate for others.

So, at this moment of serenity, I breathe deeply and find my center and work off my demons. I've had my cup of tea, a few moments caring for my attention-starved cat and will soon do my weight training and a good, hard power walk. This evening, if work does not call me in, I'll sit on the deck and have a cup of coffee, watch the ships enter the harbour and reflect on a day lived solitary but well.



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