i actually attempted to be a normal person today and to talk with people about how i've been feeling, but none of them would give me the time of day. the people i used to consider my closest friends dont even make time to talk with me when im terribly upset. whatever. at least i have this site. anyway, ive been more depressed lately than i have been in a long time. mostly this is because i havent left the house in weeks. i'd like to find more people who understand agoraphobia and to chat with them, but theres not that many of us…at least not that many who are willing to chat. i just wanted to vent today so i called a few people..most of which didnt answer, and the one wh did answer was "busy." apparently too busy to chat for 5 minutes. its so frustrating. what bugs me is that even though ive been going through some issues, ive still reached out and tried to keep my relationships intact, but most of my friends and even my family just wrote me off sooo quickly. i'm kind of nervous because im planning on going to Church tomorrow, which i havent done in ages, but im just not sure that i actually will. it seems so simple…i used to go all the time, but considering that i havent stepped foot out of my house in weeks…and even when i did i didnt go far..it seems much harder than it actually is. i havent been leaving my house for months now. ill occasionally force myself but that never lasts long and i always come back. it isnt because i like it here-i hate it- but its just where im at right now in my life. i worry all the time about something happening when im gone. theyre all irrational thoughts but theyre very real to me. im just basically rambling tonight, because id love nothing more than to chat with someone for hours, but i have no real life friends anymore. if i had someone to call i would, but i dont so im just writing endlessly on this site. life has gotten so overwhelming. last night i broke down and started crying for no reason other than i just hate my life. i hate who i am. i hate the way that i wasnt important enough for anyone to care about…i hate that i cant maintain normal relationships…i hate that i used to have a decent life and all that is gone now. i want soo much to feel attached to someone, but i cant even keep friendships. sometimes i dont ever see anything changing. i see myself sitting in this room, in this spot until i die. if thats the case i think ill go completely crazy. some people say go to the doctor blah blah blah. well i tried that more than once and it did nothing but make me dependent on pills. now i see no doctor and i dont have the ambition to even start that nonsense up again. getting there for one would be difficult, and i just dont see what they could possibly say that would help. they could give me more pills but thats what fucked my life up so much to begin with..seems rather pointless and stupid. in my delusional mind i keep holding out that ill somehow meet a great guy and everything will fall into place. of course after many failed, and dramatic relationships ive given up on that dream. ive given up on all of my dreams. im just sad to put it simply. very, very sad.

1 Comment
  1. raider916 11 years ago

      At least you tried to reach out today. Its better than sitting at home and not trying at all. You are attemptiing to maintain some sort of semi "normal" contact with people. I think the more you stay away from people, the more comfortable you feel without them, and more uncomfortable you feel around them. When you are away, all you want to think about is being back home in your room, where you are lonely, yet comfortable being that way. Our discomfort becomes our comfort zone I think its good to force some sort of interaction when you can so you don't become completely detached, and make it even harder to overcome later on. Going to church may be good too if you can make it. I get those irrational thoughts when I leave sometimes too. Always thinking Im going to die. Then it got to the point where I didn't give a sh%t if I did. Eventually I got over that to where I started caring again. Still sucked though. You really shouldn't hate yourself for other people's faults. Its not your fault that your friends aren't there for you when you need them. Someday the shoe will be on the other foot, and then you can decide if you want to answer the phone, or if you are too "busy". Hope you feel better soon.

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