Over an hour ago I was so ready to go to bed.  About 30 minutes after laying down and getting comfortable next to my boyfriend, I had to use the bathroom.  I’m in there and I look up and to the right and notice a big spider.  It looked like it may be a wolf spider.  I was a little afraid to move.  When I left the bathroom, I watched it until I was out, heart pounding hard, whole body trembling and on the verge of tears.  Knowing deep down it wouldn’t work but I was going to try anyway, I grabbed my ant and roach spray.  When I sprayed it, it ran toward me!  I bolted!  Nope! No freaking way!  I’m outta here!  I stood by my bed looking toward the bathroom waiting for it to jump out at me!  Still trembling all over, heart still pounding very hard, hands clenched together tightly while holding them to my chest and finally moved to tears.  I very carefully walked out of my bedroom into the hallway, while looking all around to make sure it hadn’t snuck out of the other bathroom door which leads to the hallway.  I’ve never liked spiders but never in my life have I ever been this terrified of them.  So, now I’m sitting here hoping it doesn’t go into my bedroom.  My mind is reeling with multiple thoughts, “should I wake him up??”  “what if it’s a brown recluse??”  “what if it goes in the bedroom and bites him??”  and on and on.

I do wonder though… Sunday is our only day off together and we usually spend the whole day either doing nothing or we go out, shopping for groceries or necessities and maybe even grab a bite to eat.  Well, this past Sunday my boyfriend was visiting a friend at least thirty minutes away.  When he’s over there they get pretty hammered and he spends the night so he isn’t driving drunk, which I always appreciate.  However, this visit started Saturday night and he had promised he’d be home by the time I got home from work which would have been shortly after 9 p.m.  Again, I know the drill.  I knew he wouldn’t be home until the next day because he usually is home the next day.  I wake up the next morning and he’s not even home by 9 a.m.  I was a little irritated.  I text him and he’s just waking up.  Still, a couple hours later he’s not home.  I’m getting a little more irritated but now my mind is going into overdrive with “so much for our day off together!” and so many thoughts around that original thought.  By 1 o’clock I’m starting to get mad.  I leave him a message asking when he’ll be home.  Now, mind you, I’m not the kind of girlfriend who nags and nitpicks and questions his every move.  I made a decision, going into this relationship, to love him for who he is and know that I can’t change him except by letting him be who he is and loving and accepting him for who he is.  That has made him want to change, which there’s not much I see that needs changing.  Yes, he drinks a lot sometimes but he’s a responsible, hard-working and loving man who protects me, loves me and takes care of me.  So, when I didn’t hear back from him after that one o’clock text, I began to worry.  At least, when I was irritated leading into mad, I was moving around and keeping busy but when the worry hit, I froze.  So, when he finally made it home at almost 3 o’clock Monday morning, I was pretty stressed.

With that in mind, I wonder if that, combined with finally starting to recover from the stress and anxiety I felt during Hurricane Irma, contributed in any way to my panic over the spider.

I’m curious.