Yesterday was a particularly bad day.
I’m currently addicted to a drug called Ketamine, which has become vastly popular here in the UK. People are referring to it as the Heroin of our generation. For those of you that don’t know, it’s a powerful downer that comes in white powder form that causes disorientation and even hallucinations. For the past ten years or so, I’ve been doing it on and off, but for the last two years it has got way out of control.
My life outside of the addiction is actually surprising normal. I have a full time job in the packaging industry, a family who I am quite close with, and an amazing supportive girlfriend. The problem is, if I continue to abuse drugs and alcohol, there is a strong chance that I won’t have anything left to call my own, and who knows where I will end up.
Since moving into a small flat with my girlfriend over a year ago, I have got into a bad cycle of lying to her in order to do the drugs. There have been numerous times when I’ve said I’m at drug support support meetings, or out having a walk when actually it’s just an excuse to go and see a drug dealer. I would try and hide the fact that I was high upon my arrival home, and most of the time, she is perfectly aware of what I was doing.
Yesterday, I said I was going to a drug support group, when I was actually going to buy drugs. I sniffed the Ketamine in a toilet of a restaurant and stumbled out. Roughly 10 minutes later I slumped down onto a bench in the high street and began to, what they call ‘K-hole’, whereby you become completely intoxicated, can barely move or walk and began to hallucinate. As I started to gain consciousness, I felt really scared and confused and couldn’t remember where I was, or why I was sat outside, in public, in the state that I was in. Bear in mind, that this is all happening at 7.00pm on a Wednesday in the middle of a busy high street. I dread to think what the people walking past must have thought. And I can also count myself lucky that a police officer didn’t walk past.
As I returned home a little bit later, my girlfriend was well aware that I was high. She isn’t stupid, and can tell straight away. She was very upset that I’d lied to her again, just so I could go and buy drugs. She has every right. It is totally disrespectful behaviour, and I cannot keep upsetting her in the way I am doing. I’d love to be able to tell you that this was the first time, or the second time, but there have been numerous occasions. My addiction have completely taken over my life, and at this point I can’t see my relationship lasting if I literally do not stop doing drugs, and drinking alcohol at this very moment.
I do not want to lose my girlfriend.
I do not want to lose my job.
But, most importantly, I do not want to die.
So, here we are. Day 1 of being completely sober for the rest of my life. It isn’t going to be easy, but this time, there are no excuses or pretending that everything is fine the way it is.
I’m going to go to a drug meeting on Friday night to get some help, and I will write more blogs in order to vent.