i wish i had the balls to just end it all. seriously! im tired of life. im tired of living in the shadow of dissapointment. sarah i believe uses me for something or other, and i love her dearly, she knows she can use my feelings against me to get what she wants. if i put a foot down and say no then im easily forgottent about. she moves on. i stand and watch in disbelief as she has sex with other guys while i try and stay strong to my feelings.WHY THE FUCK DO IDESERVE THIS!!! i know my meds have turned me into more of a depressive person but what do i have to do to fix anything about this relationship? is there a god damn answer??? you cant make someone love you, even though you love them and try you hrdest to do everything for them to prove that. i seriously want to die but i dont have the balls to kill myself so im left rotting in this pain and misery. it will never end. its to the point where when we go through these spats of she gets rid of me and fucks someone else, that i hate that fact i have a dick! seriously, i hate touching it to piss it just makes me even more sad or mad at the situation at hand. am i that fucked up? is this not normal? im not the type of dude that can just fuck anyone i meet for the sake of "another notch in the belt". thats not me, atleast it hasnt been in over 5 years. pretty much ever really. sex is better for me with someone i love and care about. like sarah, she’s the only girl i find attractive.

GOD DAMNIT!!! im sick and all because of a girl thats either not ready to settle down or not ever gonna settle down with me! i dont want anyone else. i never get to be happy. if i am for a second something will fuck it up. there is no "heaven" or "hell" cept for how our lives pan out. my life is shit so this is my hell. i dont know im rambling and kind of drunk, however i speak the truth.

heres to me wishing i could just die already. cheers!