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So I know that I have been saying that I have been trying to proceed with caution.  And I know I said earlier that I was reaaly anxious about my sister coming to visit.  All that anxiety turned into dissapointment.  She sent me a message on facebooktelling me she was not coming.  Then she said tomorrow but not until 4:30pm…now she is saying monday.  I can understand that things come up but can we pick a day.  I frantically clenaed my apartment because she is a major neat freak and I just am not.  I am not disgusting or dirty but I am not obsessive either.  Mostly I was just simply disapointed, feeling pretty blue about it.  I know her actions have nothing to do with me really.  But our relation is in the stage where  the houseplant was hacked back because it was dead.  and then suddenlya little tiny and weak little bud began to grow. and its so fragile.  that is where our relationship is now…a fragile tiny little plant that came back from a dead one.  At this point it could go either way.  I tried to shrug it off as no big deal and found something else to do with my day, which is good. But still disapointed…hurt even.  it reminds me of times when I was a little girl of like 6 or 7 and she is 10 years older and I always wanted to spend some time with her and she would set a time for us to do somthing together and she would always back out and set a new time and then do it again.  has this really been going on my whole life?I have always wanted a big sister so badly.she was there a little but she was off living her life while I was growing up.  And now that we are both middle aged (just at 2 different places of middle aged) I still need a big sister sometimes.  That scares her because she has never really done it before.  I so wish I had a sister that I could talk to, share the good and the bad with.but I don't…I don't even have one that can keep a date.

sorry…just venting

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