I don't even know where to start.

I just started therapy again after a 5 year break. My first session with this woman was this past Friday, and while I went in there fully expecting her to assign homework, I was completely unprepared for how I was going to deal with it. All I have to do is draw for 10 minutes a day, while monitoring my anxiety levels. When it goes up 2 points, I'm supposed to take a break and calm myself until it goes back to the previous level.

The first day, I got myself so worked up about the fact that I didn't know what I was supposed to be drawing that I ended up doing nothing. She told me that I was to draw things I normally wouldn't, because she didn't want to take my art away from me. She didn't want me to start associating with rising anxiety levels. She explained it to me much better than I'm able to expain it now, but it made sense at the time.

It sounded so easy at the time, but it's getting to the point where I'm spending more and more time trying to figure out how I'm supposed to be doing this. I wander around looking at everything, trying to find something that I can actually complete in the 10 minutes I'm allotted. I can't leave something half-finished, and I don't want to be rushed to finish the shading. I'm supposed to draw at the same time of day, and I started freaking out about it over 2 hours before I had to start today.

Maybe it's because I'm supposed to be doing it for someone else. Maybe it's because I'm afraid she's going to ask to see it and it needs to be perfect. Maybe it's because I'm afraid she's going to dissect my subject matter and come to the conclusion that anyone that draws Braeburn apples is crazy. I'm not due to see her again until next Wednesday and I've already utterly failed two out of 4 days to do what she's asked of me.

I need clarification. I need someone to tell me what to do, because I can't make that decision. I can't call her and ask her, though. I'm even having trouble trying to figure out what my anxiety level is before I start the sketch, because the closer I get to starting it, the more it escalates. I second-guess what I've decided on and get more and more worried that the lines won't flow the way I need them to, or that I'm not going to be able to finish it in time.

This is making me crazy.

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