My goddaughter was born today. Nichole Faith Fournier, 6lbs, 14oz. I held her today. It was amazing. She smiled at me three times. She’s so precious. I love that little girl to death already.

 

So why do I feel so…sad? Today is a wonderful day. Yet, I can’t seem to get as excited about it as I want to be. It’s like…I’m really excited, my body & brain just won’t act like it. It makes me question everything; what I really feel, what I really think…It just throws my mind into a fritz.

 

I have a boyfriend. Hooked up 2 days ago. His name is Zack. He’s okay. I mean, yeah, we have fun together & yeah, we both want a deep meaningful relationship. But sometimes he’s just really annoying. He likes to say "nigga, nigger, & negro" a lot. I’ve asked him several times not to say it around me. I can’t stand the word. But he’s completely disregarding that. & he can’t seem to be serious. I love a guy with humor, don’t get me wrong, but there are times when we’ll be talking about something serious & he’ll just be joking along like it’s nothing. I get annoyed & just give up on trying to get my poing across. It makes everything easier. Because I have a boyfriend, I feel like I let my friend in Canton, Ed, down bad. We’ve been talking for a while, & I have deep feelings towards him & vice versa. But…I don’t know, it’s like a reflex…I’ve started pushing him away. At first it was small things, like not texting him when I woke up in the morning or not asking him to call me. But now…I started to feel an all too familiar feeling. I started to WANT him more than I usually did. I wanted to feel his arms around me, to listen to his heart beat. I wouldn’t dare say that I’m falling in love with him just yet, but I’m starting to feel that I’m turning down the right roads for that to happen. So I freaked. Zack was the other guy that was talking to me, & when he popped the question, I found an escape. & that’s bad. I shouldn’t be escaping. I need to face my fears…I just need to find the courage. I talked to Ed about this. He said it was okay, but he never did sound convincing.

 

I’m messing up my life one day at a time. It won’t stop. I have to worry about so many things: my senior year, getting a job, getting out of this house, going to college, keeping the grades up for college, my brothers, my friends, now my goddaughter…I feel so overwhelmed that sometimes I just lay in my bed & cry for at least an hour. It’s too much for me to handle, but it’s being thrown at me. I’d love to open up to Nick [[my best friend/"big brother"]] about this, but I feel like I put so much of my problems on his shoulders, & he doesn’t deserve that. He’s got his own stuff to worry about it. I’d love to open up to Ed, but I’m scared. Am I going to be scared of all my feelings for the rest of my life?

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