For some reason today feels like it's been a failure for me and I'm not certain as to why. I got Zach on the bus, went and picked up Aaron at the dealership, came home and took care of the animals, did laundry, vacuumed, and made dinner (sort of ~ does hot dogs and beans count?), went to the grocery store andI also took Zachary to the library so he could get a movie and I could find a book on Asperger's syndrome. I'm one of those people who believes knowledge is power. The more I know about his condition the better off I am as a parent and he is as a child.

Why don't I feel like I accomplished anything today? Why do I feel so lonely and lost? Is it because of the last few days being rough? Or is it the underlying depression underneath the Ritalin?

I think maybe a lot of it has to do with the dreams I was talking about ~ the things I want to pursue. I know logically that there should be plenty of time to do those later, but I feel like a failure right now in the career sector. I know that's unfair of myself to say about myself, but that's the truth.

I also have to admit I've been thinking a lot about the time when I was pregnant with Zachary and so god-awful sick with bipolar. To tell the truth, I'vebeen delving too far into it's depths and feeling too much of what should be staying in my past. But I'm a fool and I keep thinking I can withstand it, master and conquer it. But the fear and pain and horror of it ( I was out of my mind ) always sucker punches me and takes my breath away. This is probably something I should endeavor to do with my therapist, but I'm afraid of someone else having control of when to stop digging at it. I'm afraid that once it starts rolling off my lips I won't be able to quiet it, that madness that still resides in me from so long ago. I wonder sometimes if I'm still capable of getting that ill.

Well, I'm going to go on a bike ride and see if that helps. Hope you all have a sweet evening.

1 Comment
  1. Andie372 9 years ago

     I'm bipolar and yes I have been out of my mind, hospitalized, ECT, everything.  Promise me you'll be gentler on youself about it.  You couldn't help what happened, any more than a diabetic can help going into shock.  You're proactive now, blogging, taking your meds, taking care of your family.  I am looking toward going back to work as soon as we get a third vehicle in the house.  My doctor says it has to be simple (for simple minds, huh lol) but I can try part time.  I'm sure your career plans will fall in line when the time is right,.

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