One of the reasons I struggle with happiness is that I feel responsible for other people’s emotions. I am consciously aware that this is nonsensical, but I’ve been programmed to believe that I am far more responsible for other people’s feelings than I actually am.
Inappropriate guilt and shame are very powerful tools of the controlling lazy parent. They cannot stand having their child not being fully compliant, so they fill them with a vastly disproportionate amount of guilt and shame for the perceived crime.
If I wouldn’t study it was “why are you hurting mummy like this?”. If I wanted to do my own thing rather than attend a family function, it was “Aunty Joan was crying all night because you didn’t go, and you ruined her whole birthday party”.Id get this 10-100 times a day over everything!
Basically they made me feel like I was a chronically bad person for asserting my own needs. I can’t tell you how many times I been called selfish for doing anything over the years. My parents even sat my wife down and warned her about my selfish ways and how she would have to change me, just after we got married. Fortunately, she had the sense to ignore them.
My grandmother was the only person who ever tried to properly love and accept me. I am still partially mourning her death to this day. After her death, my mother used to say to be “Im glad Granny’s dead, so she doesn’t have to see you doing this”. It used to cause me physical pain from the confused emotions. What sort of mother would use someone’s lost relationship as a way to further gain control over them?
So basically in doing ANYTHING for myself I believe I am causing others so much emotional pain, than I can’t bear it. I’m getting a lot better recently after therapy and loving support from my wife, but I still find it very hard.
I think my mother subconsciously tried to have an adult relationship with me. Not physical, but certainly emotional. She treated me pretty much like a partner, used to sleep with me in my bed, come in when I was changing at inappropriate times. She gave my wife night dresses and lingerie that she’d worn so my wife could wear them in bed with me. She’s pretty freaky. I left home nearly 20 years ago, but until I stopped speaking to her she regularly used to ask “When are you coming home to live with mummy” and extensively talked about how she would have dated me and swept me off my feet, if she’d been a bit younger. Before therapy, I dismissed it as joking, but as Im writing this blog, I am realising just how scary it is. Yay! Go blogging – I need to get things in the proper perspective, no matter how embarrassing it is!
It is called emotional incest and she also convinced me as a small child that I am responsible for her emotions and needed to protect her from my evil father.
What sort of 6 year old can support the emotional well being of a grown woman?! I obviously failed miserably and blamed myself for not protecting her better. So I often feel very much inadequate. Something Im working on. But the truth is, she was hopelessly unreasonable and clearly very mentally ill.
Anyway, that’s as much time as I have today.
I feel so much better after writing.
my best advice is to distance yourself a bit. that was ridiculous for them to say those things. they're probably jelous. i had problems with controlling people, it just got to a point where i thought 'this isn't me' and i realised i was faking myself and that i was actually alot stronger than this and i freed myself, you don't even have to do anything they just get bored of you. controlling people seem to always want to feel ontop. if they are happy they might let you be a little bit happy but only if its less than them. then squish you like a stress ball. you've done the right thing though getting therapy and sorting things out.