Aaaaaaa! It's driving me crazy! I took a poll and it said that one percent said "no" while the rest said "yes." I went over and over it trying to find the one who said "no." Did I care who it was? Not really. But it's driving me crazy! I made myself leave the stupid poll. Anyone else go through this?

Yesterday, I was waiting for my sister to get off work, and I ate some M&Ms from a bowl on her co-worker's desk. It started driving me crazy 'til I ate one of each color. Arrrrgh! lol That just made me think of something I used to do–I used to eat those frozen waffles the same way each time–or at least I had to do it with one each time I ate one. Had to eat a certain number of squares in a pattern around the whole thing, then eat it down into the next pattern, then the next 'til it was gone. At least that's just amusing.

Anyway, today my anxiety started returning (it hadn't been too bad the last several days) because the thought that I need to renew my driver's permit, file my taxes, deal with various bills, etc. came to mind. Then I started pressing on the scab on my left thumb again–I burned it while sleepily tending the fire last week and it's been hurting more the last few days. For once my compulsive behavior paid off–icky yellowish substance oozed out. (Sorry to gross out anyone who is squeamish–I'm not usually.)

I feel so stupid! I should've known better than to let the stupid burn scab over; I should've known it was too deep for that and it would abscess if I let it close up prematurely. You'd think after dealing with two pets with abscesses this last year I would have been rather obsessed with making sure this wouldn't happen. Well, anyway, now I am obsessed with it.  I've washed it over and over again today–not to mention probably using antiseptic or antibiotics on it more than I should. Now I'm trying to figure out if it's just swollen around the tiny cavity or if I need to tease it open more 'cause it needs to drain more. I keep squeazing it. Let's just hope I don't do anything that irritates it more….

Great! Now my obsessive thoughts are turning to the dog that I lost last year. She had an abscess (much, much worse than the one on my thumb). Here come the obsessive thoughts that it's all my fault she died…. Ah, shut up, stupid thoughts!  Feeling guilty is not going to bring her back, so cut it out! Argh, but it won't stop–now I'm seeing the image over and over of me draining the abscess the way I should've done. (Couldn't take her to the vet; in her condition it would've been too much and finances are tight; it was something fairly simple to figure out what to do and it could just as easily be done at home where she was more comfortable.) I was too afraid that I was going to do something wrong, so I hesitated and hesitated…Argh!  How I wish I'd just done it!  She may have died anyway–she was12 years old, but she would've at least been more comfortable.

I know I am quite capable–our cat later got an abscess on her face. We would've taken her straight to the vet (after the experience with the dog), but we suddenly got tons of freezing rain; the roads were so bad the whole town basically shut down for 3 days. Thank God, the abscess burst on its own and I knew exactly what to do to clean it and make sure it healed properly. The cat has recovered just fine.

Great!  Now I'm giving in to the obsession–seeing myself properly draining and cleaning the dog's abscess–over and over again. And now I'm bringing all of you into it–if you've actually stuck around to read the whole long stinkin' blog.  haha

I think I need sleep…. Time to stop compulsively writing.


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