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Today has been a bit strange, only on the inside. Not sure what to feel or how to feel anymore. I want to be happy, but what is happiness when you feel numb on the inside. Two more days until the anniversary of his passing. I used to be able to share everything with my husband and used to feel like he wanted me to share those feelings. That's what gave me the ability to love him the way I do, because I will never stop talking about or loving my dear Brian, and I knew whoever ended up with me in this world would have to accept that. My husband Kyle, was there throughout it all. He watched and slept next to me throughout all my night terrors and waking up in utter pain and tears. He picked me up everytime I fell. ButYesterday I tried to mention THE PICTURE. You know the one I mentioned in my last blog. He was very bothered it seemed by the tone he used when he said I seen it. I can't tell right now if it's because he's missing him too or if he wants me to shut up about it. (They were best friends) but the not knowing is killing me, because I know if I don't figure out the answer soon, I will shut down my feelings and our relationship will suffer. I want to feel like my best friend is there for me if I'd like to speak about him but at the same time I don't want to be upsetting my best friend with talking about him. Did he think once we got married these feelings would go away? I hope not. But most my friends have turned their backs on me so I don't really feel like I have anyone to talk to about Brian. It's hard, having so many great memories and feeling like I have no one to share them with right now. Especially since it's close to the day I hate most. The pain is evident everytime someone says happy New Years to me I want to tell them to f-off. Luckily my intelligence is always there to remind me they don't know. What I would t give for just one more hug and kiss. He used to visit me often in my dreams. I started learning more about lucid dreaming. The one dream I'll never forget, I seen him and thought in my head this isn't possible this isn't real so I somehow realized in my dream to appreciate the very moment I was having with him. I hugged him so hard and kissed his handsome face only to wake up and be reminded that will never happen again in this real world. Wasn't long after that right before I got married that something very strange happened. I was sleeping and my side of the bed faces the door, still summery out so there were no gusts of wind. My door slammed right in my face, hard. This is hard to do as my doors are very old and have lots of clothing hanging all over it. I somehow without anyone else saying a thing about it knew that this was him walking out of my dreams, my life, everything. Not to be malicious or mean but because he always wanted what was best for me and I was getting married so he needed me to move forward with my life. I did well. I tried. And I succeeded but I'll never let him go. Tightly squeezing those memories with all that I have for fear that I'll forget what's important in life and how important he was to me. I don't ever want him to be forgotten, even if everyone else forgets, he'll always live on through me. He was my best friend. I met him in 5th grade. We didn't date until I was 19 and struggling to be a single young mother on my own. He came in and easily stepped up to the father role. Never once complained about it. He was and is and always will be my hero. There's nothing that could take him from me, except Alzheimer's. I'm just still trying to figure out how to hold these memories without being so sad when I think of them. It's been 3 years on Thursday. I've told a lot of this story today, it's about all I can handle, my heart feels like it's going fall out of my body, until tomorrow friends.

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