Yeah, if this looks familiar, forgive me… no reason to make a whole new blog in such a short span of time on the same topics.
Today was just one of those days where I felt like I was barely conscious. I could barely keep awake in any of my classes and right now I feel like I barely know what's going on. There's no way I can seriously concentrate. I guess it was a mixture of lack of sleep, stress, and mostly a lack of meaningful human contact. But hey, to my defense I did get my 7 hours of sleep – despite the fact that I woke an hour early and couldn't get back to sleep (if my body's so tired then don't do that! Stupid body). Ya know what's weird though, it's like the more I sleep the worse I function. When I get fewer hours for some reason I feel much more alert. I guess my mom is the same way…?
Anyway, I guess that's what they call depersonalization.
Leave it to me to delve into the realm of non-religious spiritualism. But hey, it's a rough life and you do what you can to survive.
It's been good, I mean I got through the weekend fine… weekends are typically really difficult, but this time I was ok with sitting in my room the entire time reading and working… school is my life, basically.
It's kinda hard to explain. It's like disassociating with the mind. Like there is something behind the body and mind. The mind is merely a tool of anxiety and sadness and etc. that is destroying the world… what can I say about mine that hasn't already been said? It's rather miserable. The being part of me is separate from the mind and all it's allusions… time. Time is an illusion. The mind seems to feed off pain and masking it with temporary pleasures. My past, with all its death, abandonment, and suffering no longer exists. The future that I always worry about doesn't exist either. It's true, my mind was always so focused in both directions, especially worrying about the future. Always striving for what's next. But really the only thing that exists is now. Think about it: the past doesn't exist and the future is nothing but the mind's projection of now. But we only ever exist now… each moment is now.
It works for me because I can rely on a sense of ease just because I am and still know that the physical me, my form, is unsatisfied. It's a good thing when you're lonely 100% of the time. Gah. I just am so frustrated that I can't pursue any sort of social life or such. I can't get rid of these emotions. I don't have anyone to talk to and even if I needed to I wouldn't be able to ask. I'm trying so hard… but I guess the me of this world isn't meant to ever be happy.
I don't know how good this will work in the long run or if I'm even doing it right, but I guess we'll see.
But I guess that's not really why I felt like writing. I guess why I'm writing is because I'm just so frustrated… gah. I have these feelings and I can't do anything about them. I can't even admit to them. I can't tell her how I really feel. Not like it will matter… I'm nowhere near good enough. I don't want to bring someone else's life down. I don't want to lose what we have now. There are so many things wrong with me. And I guess I don't want to be abandoned again. Gah. I just can't communicate. It's just so frustrating, I this all just keeps building up and I can't say it to anybody because even if someone talked to me I'd be so afraid of talking about such things. I know nothing. I guess it would take someone who isn't family asking directly about it. It's just so frustrating that I can't even try…
My day just isn't right until she IM's me. It's been like two days since we last had contact… even though I don't know how to communicate, I still wait every night… she's the only one that's shown that she understands many things and they only person that hasn't yet retreated because of my flaws…
I suppose I'm writing this here because it's unlikely that she'll see it. And I suppose this kind of stuff is the major thing in my life that's depressing me. The loneliness and lack of strong bonds to others. You know, even if I had someone I'd have no idea what to do. And I know I'd do nothing but freeze up and completely fail at conversation. Thus everything goes kaput.
I just don't know how people do it. How did I miss the life skills class? It seems even the people who think they're too shy or whatever manage to connect with people even online. Then there's me, I'm just a bundle of… nothing.
Another thing is every part of me besides my mind is screaming to me that I should drop out and retreat home… because there I'll at least have my pets and family. I won't be able to find a job, but… I guess what keeps me here are expectations, hope that it will lead somewhere, help me overcome my problems, and perhaps most of all because it keeps me from having to go home and fall behind everyone else my age. Competition, I guess? Essentially I want to go home so badly so my avoidant personality can avoid the stress and loneliness here. But the whole reason coming here was to escape home and theoretically start anew and get better… it's a lose-lose. I'm just so confused about everything. I feel like I'm still like a preteen or something. Everyone grew up without me o_O I stuck. I stuck. I stuck. Yep, I'm stuck in the body of a 20-year old. I'm still a child. I don't know how to work in the world or have meaningful relationships or… stuff.
Someday I'd like to satisfy my human needs.