After all these years being away, because I felt I had nothing new to say, not a whole lot has changed in terms of my disposition towards life. It is becoming more and more clear that life is not going to be how I have been hoping it to be, after so much hard work for almost my whole life. And, worst of all, now I'm left here with one more question: "How am I supposed to live???" And apparently suicide is a no-no. -_-

I don't feel like doing anything, and I don't feel like seeing anybody. When I go for walks in the neighbourhood, because it's still bright outside in the evenings, I get irritated that there are so many people around. I don't want anybody to look at me, and I feel self-conscious around people, particularly strangers or people I don't know well. I find myself taking sudden turns when I see even one person in the direction that I wanted to go. I don't know why I get irritated when people are around. I even sigh sometimes when I encounter the same people that I took turns so that I could avoid them, but end up facing them anyways.

It's not that I really hate people or dislike company all the time. But it's becoming more and more rare when I want company. And I do want to be married sometime later in life, but it's not going to happen with this mood that I usually have now. And the fact that I'm always mopey and depressed about everything that's going on in my life. I feel like I'm such an ugly person on the inside. Who wants a downer in their life? And it's so much work already having to put on a happy face for the public…

And finding people I feel like I can actually connect with is none to hardly ever. And I thought I did find someone, but that obviously was nothing. I wish I could forget.

And what is one to do when everything is broken? My mind and body always feel like sludge. If you've lost your mind and your body, what is really left? Everything is so much effort. People who have never experienced true clinical depression will never understand. Even a friend I have who has tasted it doesn't even know, because she is shocked sometimes when I talk to her about what it's like for me. But she has been acting like she understands me. She obviously doesn't. And I probably can't understand aspects of someone else with their depression I guess, depending on the different degrees.

I'm also always tired and have insomnia again. It's been awhile since I've had that…After about a month, I think I'm slowly able to sleep a little earlier. Thank goodness. But I'm still so tired.

My parents whom I live with again after being away for almost a year for work really bring out the ugly in me. I'm really tired of people telling me what to do, the non-stop insults and the expectations, and acting like everything is so easy. It isn't, even for someone who isn't depressed, but to top it off for someone who's depressed who has this invisible glue slathered all over our bodies and between our neurons, it's extra hard. No, they don't know, and telling them would just give them more fuel for their insults.

Where am I supposed to go from here??? =*(

1 Comment
  1. kimbolar 9 years ago

    I am not going to say I know how your feeling but i do have similar thoughts
    It is a struggle and everyone seems to have the quick fix but there is not one thing that is the miracle thing.

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    0 kudos

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