I hate to be complaining so damn much lately, but if anyone knows what i am facing (the move from ohio to cali and everything involved, including my depression, anxiety, ocd, me being on ssi and moving here with the goal to get off of it, get a job with help from ticket to work, and get into college, etc. and… hmm…alot of things i don\'t dare mention). but i barley even have the energy to write this blog.

i think this is the worst i ahve felt in quite some time. right now i am so unhappy its rediculous. i have constant ideation. kind of sucks when you\'re trying so hard to better your life and there are so many complications. but i know when i get through i will just be that much stronger. i do what I have to do atm. i dont go backwards, just sometimes i dont move forward fast enough. not sleeping dosent help. it also sucks with all this ideation b/c i cant self harm(promises…which is good), and i guess i\'ll put it like this. i\'m too afraid to live and too afraid to die. what a life. my meds need adjusted and i really think that would help, but i have lived here in cali now for 6 months and i have tried every day most days to make calls and have made many contacts in high positions that tried to help me, but i finally got my intake appt. and they called me with my shrink appt. and its not until aug.24th. that will be 7 months it took to get into a shrink. UNACCEPTABLE!!!!! but whatever.

all i kinow is life is so fucking miserable that damn, i fucking hate it. and i am trying all that i can do. i go to therapy once a week which took about 4 months to get into to. i started an axiety class, last night i spoke alot. i\'m looking for more of a group though. i am on my own for the first time ever.

oh, thank you to the mods, and my apologies. i should contact them first before blogging!

anway, i am so lonely. i am alone almost all the time…i fucking hate it so much! but it\'s up to me to make somthing happen. fuck my life.