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I can't sleep. Too many depressing thoughts in my head. I was watching a show that ended in tragedy. Then curious I looked up the people in history the show was based on and only felt even more depressed because what happened to them was so sad. The way people treated them was horrible.

Anyways I got on Facebook just to fool around with some games hoping I'd get sleepy soon but I had two messages waiting for me. The first one I read was the conclusion of a long conversation me and a friend were having. What he said about being raised to think one thing really felt like a blow to my stomach, especially when he used horses as an example. I couldn't reply. From day one I can only remember people telling me how bad the world is. I only viewed the world through the eyes of someone told to look at one thing from one direction. I still loved horses though even if people didn't agree. I couldn't stand how people kept telling me what is good and what is bad.

I know that certain things in this world are bad. I know to be careful but it is like I can't trust anyone or anything all because of what someone else told me. Through my own experiences and by the way people treat me I have developed a strong dislike for people. There are a few who broke through my walls and made me laugh, turning out to be some I could trust to a small extent. I still can't talk to them and say what I want to say. I still feel awkward and unsure around these friends but I guess that will never go away.  I couldn't reply to my friend. I just couldn't say how low below the belt he had hit.

Anyways, the second message was from an ex-boyfriend. He wants to know if I could ever give him a second chance. He wants to know if and why I kept the ring he gave me. But all in the same letter he confessed to lying to me when I called him two days ago to ask why he was trying to get in touch with me. (Apparently my nephew got the phone and was playing with it, calling random people on my call list. To think I didn't know a two-year old could do that. At least he hasn't called 911 again.) I can't answer him because it really hit me when I found out he lied. They were minor lies but still. He wants me back in his life because he wants someone to be there to take care of him while he "figures out what to do with his life." I can't do it. I had a compulsive liar for a boyfriend once and am just now getting back on speaking terms with him. I don't want to go through that hell again. I know that everyone has their flaws and I'm no exception. Still the one thing I can't take is being lied to by someone I cared about. He said that he loved me but… I don't believe it.


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