This is my first blog. I really feel depressed and sad that people don't have a clue about the challenges that I face in life. I spend most of mydays in doors. This situation started about 15 years ago when I had a mental breakdown and I attempted suicide after realising I had lost my mind. Luckily I escaped death and even though physically I may seem OK. The mental challenges that I face on a daily basis are really tough to bear. To make matters worse people consider me gay even though I don't have any sexual urges or relations with people of my own sex. Besides that I live in an East African country where homophobia is rampant and people feel justified to curse you. To call you names in public. In a sense even though this has really been a painful episode in my life but the only good thing about it is that I really have an understanding about the struggles gay people go through.
Where I come from society is more tolerant of people who have sex with underage children than people who engage in homosexual acts. So being labeled as gay in my country is like being considered as someone who engages in the worst form of dedgradation. So how did this all start. I grew up in a pretty privileged family in East Africa. My father was a diplomat and I got to travel and live in a number of countries when I was a kid. My parents for some reason sent me and my siblings to boys schools and my sister to a girl school. In 12 years of elementary and highschool education. Only 2 of those years were spent in a co-ed school. I come from a family where there are 4 boys and 1 girl. So I really didn't get the opportunity to bond with girls or form relationships.
When we came back to our country after my dad's tour of duty had ended I was almost 14 years old and my Dad made one of the biggest mistakes that I believe is the majorcause of all the disfunction that I am suffering from. He sent me to a local government boys boarding school. When we had lived overseas I had attended International and American schools. They had really nice facilities and even though I wasn't a very good student at least I liked school. My Dad was really going through a difficult time. I now know that he had some work problems and when he was transferred back to our countryit was kind of a demotion.
Anyway Dad took me to this boarding school where the youngest guys in my class were about 3 years older than me. Others were 5 years or more older. I could hardlyspeakthe local language. So I was the butt of jokes. People took advantage of me. They ridiculed me and even 1 person sexually abused me. So to make a long story short. I developed certain habits that helped me cope but were very damaging and detrimental to my mental health. Please forgive me for not elaborating. This is very personal and I really am finding it difficult to be open about it. Maybe some other time or on another blog.
So basically my time there paved the way for the current problems that I have. In 1995 I had a mental breakdown and I attempted suicide after finding out that I had lost my mind. For a brief time I was a ranting lunatic and in my insane state I thought that is how I would be for the rest of my life. So I took a cord of rope and put it around my neckand pulled as hard as I could until the blood vessels in my eyes burst and my eyes turned dark red.
So today I was pissed off when my Mom was suggesting that I'm not trying hard enough to get better. She wasn't at home when I had attempted suicide. She had travelled up countrybut she came to see me then when she heard I had been admitted to the hospital. But I am tired of people thinking that I choose to be this way. When people talk to me they see that I am intelligent and are surprised why I'm not married, why I don't have a job. Why I stay at home all the time. They think that I choose to be this way and I don't make enough effort to change my situation. They don't know that I've been called a faggot on certain occassions. I guess I have my Mom's good looks and I think I have low testosterone. Or maybe it's in my mannerisms. So just going out of home is a challenge in its self. I don't know when people will ridicule, slander orcuss me out. I'ts happened so many times that I choose to avoid those kinds of circumstances. So I'm depressed that people who don't know what I'm going through think that I choose to live like this. I think the worst thing is that those who are closest to me and should understand what I'm going through are the one's who think that I like being the way that I am and that I'm not doing any effort to change. I don't know if that makes any sense but at least I've vented out my frustrations and now that I've tried to be open and shared with all of youout there. I'd like to have some encouraging comments and hopefully some good solid advice, support and some genuine friends. Thanks so much for listening to me. Bye!