Originally written in my journal last night
Date: 8/23/12 Day: Thurs. Time: 6:30pm
I'm returning to school for the first time in years in my neverending quest to finally get a degree…and my initial feeling is that of concern and anxiety over not feeling a good vibe about it as I write this at the campus library right now….thought for sure I would feel rejuvenated waling back onto campus for the first time in years….instead, overwhelmed with feeling."outdated", or something like that…so many young kids around here, typing away on their laptops…I STILL don't have a laptop, and the last time I attended school on this campus many moons ago, such things pretty much did not even exist……these kids, so young and with the luxory of youth on their side, so many years ahead of them to fulfill their potential, a luxury that I am constantly reminding myself that I don't have in comparison to them… and granted, it's pretty much in general a cynical world we live in these days; nonetheless, I imagine a good deal of these kids might not be as cynical and jaded as I am….I do, afterall, have years of experience on my side compared to them in that regard…I'm feeling old, at the moment anyway, and it's depressing me to feel this way… I actually initally anticipated feeling invigorated by the youth that I figured would by and large surround me on this campus; so disappointed that I am not feeling what I anticipated… I know somewhere there HAS to be people on this campus around my age and even older…guess I just haven't seen them yet….
.Also, feeling anxiety as the realization is just really now dawning on me in these moments leading up to my first night of class that I am taking a course that has always been one of my worst subjects…. It's a science course, and science and math have always been my two worst subjects…undoubtedly why I put it off all these years….So disappointed and worried that I'm feeling this way….very disappointed and worried.