I just want to take my klonopin. Not even that I want to just take it, I want to feel good all the time. If not good, at least not anxious.
I’m starting therapy tomorrow to help with my anxiety. I’m anxious as hell about it. I’m worried I won’t be able to sleep, I’m worried I won’t get up early enough to shower, I’m worried about leaving the house which I haven’t in a week and a half.
I’m scared that I’ve lost my job. My supervisor keeps calling and I just can’t get myself to answer the phone. She keeps giving me this terrible guilt trip that she had to work last weekend because I couldn’t and she fired the other overnighter. I was a great employee before all this started. I filled in all the time and I only called in once when we had 14 inches of snow last year.
It just sucks. I don’t know what else to say about it. I’m really unhappy and the last thing I want to feel stressed about is starting therapy. And I’m not stressed about the idea of therapy, I think it’s great and I really need it because I’m starting to develop some weird phobias, but I don’t want to be stressed about leaving the house and getting there and having an anxiety attack in the waiting room. Then again, this time, I will be on klonopin. But I haven’t had the chance to test the klonopin outside of my house so who the heck knows what will happen.
And to make matters a little worse, the person’s office is downtown on 9th street. The most populated street downtown, the street I used to hang out on before all this started. The thought just makes me sick to my stomach.