Tonight I feel mixed in my emotions as today has been a strange series of events, my mom recieved a phone call from her dr. saying her kidneys aren't working properly then promptly called again and told her she needed to be seen by a kidney specialists, soooo here we go with the drama, her crying, being hateful, balh, blah, blah. Oh I forgot to mention she's a diebetic. Meanwhile I have been dignoised with TMJ and cannot take the med'sI need for the swelling and pain, my head, neck and jaw upper and lower are killing me, my mouth on the inside is like groud beef and really hurting me, I've been eating motrine so now my stomach is killing me, its hurts so much to eat, but on the upside maybe I'll loose some weight, lol.

Also there was a small disappointment in that someone was suppose to call me today and did not.

I cannot grasp in any rhelm why I'm being tested this way, I just don't understand all this horror, loss, disappoinment and agony and how long must it go on? I must have really done something horrible to be living this way. I am afraid.

Meanwhile back to mom, I worry about her and even though she's not a good mom, I still love her,andI realize I'm lucky somehow to still have her, even if she mistreats me. it's such a shame how she is,I feel terrible for me, sometimes for her as well. The thing is , is she is aware of how she treats me and still expects me to be a good daughter, takes me for granted, every now and then she thinks of me, when the moode hits her, mostly everything is about her, to me she is a very selfish, self centered person, mixed with an alter ego of muniplation, self serving of course, she's very intelligent and know's how to use it to control me and others. She's constantly calls me names like stupid and dumbass, puts me down in front of others, like saying that I don't understand certain things, all along I'm sitting there thinkiing to myself how stupid she is in the fact that she raised me and is tearing herself down with the admission of the fact she raised a dumbass, etc. You guys no what I'm saying, right?

I'm on the edge of everything, struggling with all that has happened, struggling with the constant negativity of being used, abandoned, etc, per my profile, and the constant negativity of my mom and the dungeon, but I do what I do and forgive as best I can even if its for 1 minute til the next poisin rolls out or the next disappointment comes along.

SometimesI wish I could end the cycle of this, but at the same time I cling to it because I know someday it will be taken from me on its own , I so desperately am trying to be a good daughter to this so called mom person, my abuser, neglector and user. Hence I should end this paragraph in saying that there is a good side to my mom as well, she's smart, witty, and fun at times, so there is some good in her, I just wish I could see it always, instead of in her words"'Im bad and so good at it, I'm evil." Something she seems proud of.

Believe it or not I dread the day when I know longer have her. She really is lucky to have me, no one else is here, they have all grown tired of her ways.

I just wonder when as people have been saying that the tides will turn and karma will be restored. I wonder when God will forgive me for whatever he is so angry with me about.

I'm still grateful tonight for you all. Hope, peace and Love to you all, goodnight my friends. Dianne


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