I am a 18-year old high school kid trying to live comfortably in life, but lately, I have been depressed for at least 3 years. I have tried to resolve the situation by myself, but I have begun to have suicidal thoughts and decided to share my feelings in hopes of finding help. Let me start from the beginning.

When I was in 7th grade, my parents pushed me a lot in getting good grades. However, they pushed me so much that I endured so much stress. They also criticize me for being book-smart and not smart, so I would break down a lot, have insomnia, and cut myself just to feel good. Eventually, I stopped cutting myself,slept properly, and tried to ignore these warning signs.

When I entered high school, everything changed. Getting A's in AP classes became a hassle for me, so I became more stressed. I tried to tell my parents how I feel, but they said that I shouldn't feel that way because there are kids in the world who are in worse situations than me and that I am only a drama queen. I tried to suck it up, but every time I fail at something even though I put so much effort to it, I feel so defeated and despise myself. Why can't I be better? I am a shame for my doing! Combined with the stress and and emotions, I started remembering the happy and sad moments of my childhood. From fun time with my friends to bullies and moving away, I would cry every night wishing that I can relive the happy moments and erase the bad ones. I tried to ask my parents for help again but they sarcastically said "What am I supposed to do about that". I would cry in front of them and they would do nothing about it.

Today, I argue a lot with my parents because I was tired and sick of them. They think they have the most perfect and happy family and refuse to believe that I am a concern. They still mocked me, judged me, and even joked about my serious issues. Along with stress, pessimism, and depression; I began to throw random crying and yelling fits when no one is around and for no reason. I also began to have hallucinations of particles forming different unrelated pictures, voices whispering in my head, the shadow of a dead celebrity who is also my invisible roommate, and the sounds of tidal waves that always strike me in fear. I am assuming that it is the beginnings of schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder, but I am not sure. I am no longer happy, The only things dear to me are my few friends at school and music, but that is all. If I lose both, I don't see a reason to be alive. However, I know that I can't kill myself now, I'm too young and too many people love me. Yet, I feel so hurt and numb that I might as well plan to shorten my life, no necessarily end it immediately.

I would try to make most of my days, but irony always hit me and disappoints me whenever I tried to do good to others. My heart would be heavy as stone. I would feel tired everyday even though I drink coffee. It hurts to smile or even fake a smile to anyone. I would always have a hard time with homework, school, and remembering simple things. I have demons in my head that tempt me with so many bad things. I already submitted to my lust through addiction to masturbation (it's annoying, i can't sleep unless i do it), making fun of everyone just cause I can, and binge constantly just to feel something. Most nights, i would cry to myself or in my sleep. I tried to tell my friends about my problems, but they couldn't help me. I tried to get help form other people, but I don't trust anyone, I'd rather have people I know help me. I feel so defeated and so lost. I even considered relapsing back to cutting myself. I feel so unloved and sad. I am giving up, and I'm getting worse every day. I know shouldn't feel this way because I am blessed with a home, food, and a family, but how can I ignore the fact that I feel like shit everyday for more than 3 years.

I don't know what to do. This is all I have so far. I may sound like a whiner or something but I'm hoping that I can get some advice or help from this.

1 Comment
  1. sadviolinist 10 years ago


    Dear Jade;   

    I don't think you're a drama queen by any means.  This sounds like a disorder of some type and you do need help.  You can always talk to your school counselor and see how you could get in to see a doctor.  You are 18 and legally an adult ~ it wouldn't require parent permission I don't think.  I want you to know how brave I think you are for coming and sharing all of this. That was really a strong thing to do and you should be proud of yourself. 

    I know that this may not help, but it's what has gotten me through the really hard times.  You are ill, nothing more.  It's like having diabetes ~ you have to keep an eye on it and try to manage the syptoms.  It's not YOU that's broken, it's the chemistry and genealogical factors that are creating this illness that affects your mind.  I know it's awfully scary (I know the first hallucination I had terrified me).  I thought I was losing my mind. But you're not; you're discovering that you have an illness. 

    If you need something, please feel free to message me, just like Jasper  and Rosey.  We're all here because we suffer from many of the same things, many of which are problems much like yours. I'm so sorry that you feel so alone; just remember that here you are always welcome and you can get all the support you might need beyond psyciatric care.   ((((((HUGS))))) hon.  I hope tomorrow gets better.  If this gets any worse you should admit yourself to the hospital.  It's a scary thought but your life is important and so is your happiness.  They can help you get  started on gaining some control back in your life.  Please go to a women's crisis unit and tell them what's happening, or a school counselor, or make an appointment with your primary doctor and go from there.  My heart goes out to you. 


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