A mixture. A mixture of everything sad and happy, old and new. I….I don’t know where to turn, but right now I don’t need anything at all. Partied w friends thurs and fri. Felt like old times, have felt very included since. Thurs my ex roommate/best friend confronted me…drunkely…sobbing. How can she live with what she did to me? She asked me to tell her that I her actions didn’t have a large effect in what happened. I couldn’t lie, they did. She said…"everyone wants to give you a second chance….I owe you everything".
First off, I shouldn’t need a "second chance" to be friends with these people. Secondly and in tandem with that, she, they owe me nothing. She asked how I could say she owes me nothing, and I said "because inevitably everyone will let you down"…sobbing "that’s awful" all she could muster. It felt….I think in the past I have lusted over such an acknowledgement. I feel like she robbed me of my sophmore year and almost my life. I won’t assage her, because that would be me denying myself, denying that there was something wrong with everyone in my life turning on me.
It changed everything. It changed the way I looked at people, how I’ll ever be able to "trust" people. I won’t. I don’t. People are selfish creatures and in the end, if it’s you or them, believe it…it will be you getting the shaft.
She cried, I cried, I left her though, I left her to live with it, never give absolution for killing a part of me. She said how strong I was, she said she would never have had the strength to come back alone. I only have it because I take it from the knowledge that I did not do what she did. I can live with myself, she said she was so miserable, wracked with guilt, she failed a class last semester.
People owe me nothing. If I rested my life on counting on others I would have died a long time ago. You cannot live your life by other’s decisions, by whether they treat you well or not. Expect nothing from noone because there are a lot of shits out there in the world. I am above that and you because I hold you to nothing, and know you capable of everything. I accept it and pick up the pieces of me that are still left and move on.
Friday, went over to friends apt. for party, they urged me to invite Alex if I wanted to. Second night in a row we were supposed to hang out. Txted me all through work and on the way home saying he was jumping in the shower and heading over. 2:30 am. Never came. Was very upset/humiliated in front of friends. Slighted the last thing he said to me was "blowing off some steam with ppl from work". The last thing I said? 2:35 am "fuck you, your invitation over has been rescinded". Deleted his # and all evidence of him on cell. Still have class tues. Fuck him. I do not disrespect strangers the way he did to me. Respect my time or I won’t respect you. I hate running into shitty people.
