there are times when i feel so sad and alone. alone in the world, and the only person i want is my mother because she is the only person in the world that truly knows and loves me. i want to be in her arms because she is the one person in the world who i know is good. i am surrounded by all these people that i find to be so unkind, so against everything i stand for, i feel like i am swimming in an ocean of stormy waters. i feel battered and worn, and i want to retreat to someone who will always love me and will always show me what hummanity can be. because sometimes i feel like it will never change, and i will forever be the girl that does not fit in, the girl that is everyone's doormat, the girl that sees awful things happening but cannot stop them or bar them from her memory.

i dont want a world that is perfect, but i want a world that is less cruel, less self centered. i want to feel free to give myself to others because i know they are filled with some sort of humanity. at times like this i think of my mother, who i cannot see tonight or the next night or the next….i think that she is sixty and i think of her mortality and i think, if she were gone that i could not bear to live. i could not bear to live without the one person who truly cares about and loves me. i cant live without the one person who is an example of the good in the world. i have seen all my grandparents age and die in such awful ways, and i cry thinking that anything like that would befall her, that she would deteriorate into such agony or mental and physical deteriration. i could not bear to watch it, because she is the last person who would ever deserve it.

some days i think, if i got a call that she had died in a car accident or something, no matter how my life was going i would kill myself, because i am living in large part, due to her. i have always resisted suicide on a most basic level, because i could not bear to leave her with that pain. i could not make my mother bury me. i love her, and she is the only person i completely connect with and these days i have so many doubts that i will ever connect with anyone else anywhere near the extent i connect with my mother. i want  to complete the college semester and go home to be with her.

what will happen to me when i am older and she is gone? if i am still depressed, if my depression recurs who will i call? who will hold me and love me? no one can be as nonjudgemental as her, noone can know so much of the long story of upsetting things in my life. i dont want her to ever go because she can never be replaced and i feel sometimes like my life will never heal enough to make lasting connections. so much of life is passive and casual. people you are friends with come and go. there is no bond. she is all i have and i rely so much on her. it makes me sad to think of human mortality even in its most general terms not because i am afraid of death myself but i am afraid of her death. of her not exsisting anymore when she has been such a center and support to my life. even now at 21 as i prepare to go out into the world, i cling to her, and fear the idea of losing her.


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