This blog can only be viewed by myself if I understand the privacy settings correctly. I sure hope I do…..
I believe that I have discovered dispair. I know that i have been causing people i care about pain. i do not regret cutting everyone off from me to stop me from further hurting them. yes, it hurts them right now but then they will be ok. it will hurt a lot less than watching me fall, fail, and perhaps die from this.
its so very painful to be completely without support from anyone. but i am finding that each day i spend entirely isolated from other people is a little easier than the day before. ive done the best i could to help my friends understand that it wasnt their faults or failings that made me go, it was mine. i am not sure that i did a good job or not.
in desperation i even contacted a therapist but getting someone to see me with the unpredictability and travel of my current job is hard. now i am just waiting to see where i will be in a month. maybe in a month i can seek more comprehensive therapy than just meds. maybe
the longer my kids go without seeing me the easier it is for me to contemplate suicide. the longer I am away from people the more the dark thoughts take over. however this is better than me attempting to connect with people, failing. attempting to communicate what i want and need, failing. attempting to be a friend and allow them to be friends to me and failing. id much rather fail all alone than to experience the hurt daily of failing and the fear of losing people. maybe one day i will look around and realize that nobody does need me. i wonder if God would forgive me for leaving this world early?
i may not even have a job for long. i am trying my best but idk. i didnt even shower for work. its been a few days since i showered and i couldnt even make myself shower before work. thats really not acceptable in my line of work. sometimes i wish i were a cutter because then people would at least see some sign of my pain as opposed to who i am now where nobody can see a thing. what does one do when they dont know what they need? what does one do when nobody knows what they need? guess i will find out. at least this way i am the only one affected by this and future problems