I really didnt think 2020 could possibly be any worse than 2019. It just didnt seem possible. I had lost my apartment and had to move back home with my parents. I lost my partner of four years because he had to move back to Georgia because he had to take care of his sick parents. So that was the end of New Jersey for him. We had tried, really tried, to have a life together. But that just couldn’t happen. The long distance relationship turned out to be too much and the stress of it all put me in a mental hospital for a while. And then a few months later he killed himself. He tried reaching out to me 5 days before. I told him I wasnt ready to talk yet. The very end of the relationship was a bit… tempestuous. And that was forever that. I was already grieving for a relationship that i wanted to work so badly and put so much effort and love into only to have all if that just fall apart and then one morning theres a message in my Facebook inbox from his best friend and that was that. After he died I sort of gave up on the whole bettering myself thing. A little intro on me: I have BPD, anxiety, and depression. I’m gay and have known that since I was 12. I also have more self loathing and internalized homophobia than any of the people I’ve met in the hospitals I’ve been in. I was 13 when I started drinking and I’m 33 now and havent crawled out of that bottle because I dont know how to function without something to save me from the horrible thoughts that just plague me constantly. When Daniel died I went off the deep end. I guess I’m still out there. He died a little less than 6 months ago. I still don’t know if I really dealt with it either. Maybe I have. At least a bit. Who knows. Anyway, i started doing meth after he died. I just wanted to feel something and also just didnt care at all if I dropped dead. Part of me died with him. A big part. Everything feels grey anymore. Which brings us to 2020. The year things get better right? How could they get worse? It was a few days before Valentine’s day this year that I got diagnosed with HIV. Which was….. 5 or 6 days ago this happened. The close friends I’ve told have been useless. I have been comforting them which….. I dont know. I get it’s a blow but it’s not happening to them. I’ve already decided that my family can never know. It would really make things more difficult for me. I cant lean on them for things that actually matter. And that is a very lonely feeling. Because either I’ve got my family who I need to pretend I’m fine in front of or I’ve got my friends who are just falling apart. So, like I’ve always known deep down, the only person in this world you can rely on is yourself. Which really sucks because I hate myself. And that’s gotten worse since my diagnosis by a lot. So, here we are. I’m well aware that no one will ever read this. I may even delete this. I dont know what I’m doing anymore. I think right now it’s more meth.