The beginning of another week and the end of another weekend. Didn't know what to do with myself again today. Still haven't managed to rekindle my interest in reading yet- I just don't have the ability to concentrate yet. I suppose it will take time.

So, I did housework again- all the laundry, cleaning and sorting I could. Then when that was done I cooked dinner at 1pm. Weird.

Typred up my diary entries into my blog. Called my mother and sister but they were busy. Spoke to my mother in law about Lovan side effects, but still couldn't bring myself to broach the sex issue. So frustrating. I feel like such a coward. We're close- why couldn't I just get it out and ask her?

Spoke to a friend today who's going through some relationship problems and she seems lower than I've ever seen her. It was really scary. She's always been the joker, the strong one, the one that says "I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks" and means it. But she's so low I'm scared that she'll harm herself or try to take her life. I feel so inadequate. I'm so fucking messed up myself! How does one suicidal person try to convince another suicidal person not to go through with it? How does a person with depression help another person through thos same issues?

Needless to say, while trying to help her I had a massive panic attack again. I was shaking, my thoughts were racing, I couldn't catch my breath and my heart was going a hundred mile a minute. What do I say? What do I do? What if whatever I say, it's wrong and she kills herself? It'll be like my dad all over again- I'll never forgive myself. I won't live through it a second time. Bad enough not recognising the signs/preventing it from happening when I was a kid- but if it happened again as an adult?! I would literally die from the guilt.

I told her I'm here, that I will always listen. Told her if she wants to write a hundred pages to get it all out, I'll read it. Asked her to promise me that if she feels herself getting too low she'll tell someone- me, her daughters, a doctor- someone who can get her help. Told her I understand what she's going through and she's not alone. But she's on the other side of the damned country and I feel so fucking helpless.

I hope it's enough. I hope that if it's not enough, she'll care enough about herself to seek out help. I'm so scared for her. I'm scared for me.

—————————————————————————————————

Talked to my mum tonight. Explained the sexual side effects I've been having on the Lovan. It was SOOOOO fucking embarrassing but she was really good about it- very understanding and reassuring and not embarrassed to talk to me about it. She gave me a few ideas to help deal with it all too (talk to the GP, talk to the psych, keep communications open with my husband etc.)

She also told me that she's been having the exact same problems as me because of menopause, so she completely gets where I'm at. I feel really sorry for her- that has totally got to suck- she's not even on meds and she's having problems! Ageing fucking blows.

At the same time though, it's nice to know that someone gets it and I don't have to explain it 1001 ways back to front to get her to comprehend what I'm going on about.

Yet again, another thing in life to look forward to. If it's not ovarian cysts, pregnancies, caesareans or antidepressants screwing with your sex life, it's fucking menopause.

Just when your kids are grown up and you can finally rediscover fun and freedom again, menopause throws you a curve ball and fucks up your mojo. How delightful. No wonder retiress spend all their time travelling, socialising and collecting shit- they're obviously not having sex. I suppose it explains the shitty sleeping quarters in campervans and cruiseships- queen beds obviously don't matter anymore. How fucking depressing.

Anyway, I'm going to leave it here before my sleeping tablets turn me into a blithering idiot and I forget what it is I'm blabbering on about. Goodnight people.

Appetite: bowl of crisps, coffee, half bowl of curry for dinner

Gynae: no probs

Sleeping: good

Mood: worried, scared, exasperated, sarcastic

Things that upset me today: my friend's depression and feeling helpless with it, remembering dad's suicide and the associated guilt, sexual side effects and menopause

Things I'm grateful for today: my husband, the kids, my mum, my mother in law, this blog, my journal.