There are far too many moments in my life where I feel at a standstill, as though the world continues to move on while I remain gray and stationary while everyone else swims through the crowds of color and conformity.
It has been very cold these past few days. The skies are shrouded with dark clouds and the rain beats down gently every once in a while. I am somehow always caught in the rain and end up soaked because I never use umbrellas. And I have a strange fear of wearing the hoods of my jackets. So most of the time my hair ends up wet as though I had just gotten out of the shower, but that has never really bothered me much since I was never one of those girls that cared how they looked. I mean I do care as it is part of my self-respect, but not to the extent that I'll whine and complain when my hair gets messed up or something.
But anyway, while I'm standing in the rain, waiting and waiting for something more. I wait for my family to come and pick me up from wherever I am from and I find that the time just passes on so slow while I wait and feel the rain against my skin. The sensible thing to do would be to go under some sort of covering to keep from getting wet, but I never do.
In this time of waiting, I think about everything and never really get upset, but I do tend to get disapointed with my life. Don't get me wrong, I have a great life that I honestly should be more appreciative of. I just have this nagging feeling that I could do more, be more. The person that I am never seems to be satisfied. For example, I have considered my recent problem with Jake and his new girlfriend Mandie, to be resolved. I recovered and no longer care about what they do. They can have it all they want. But a part of me still can't feel a full and complete closure for some reason and it really has nothing to do with the either of them. Its more of trying to get over the overall feeling of being unwanted and uneeded. And I really hate to sound as though I am dependent upon others. I'd like to think of myself as a strong and independent young lady, but sometimes, I really do need someone there to keep me on my feet.
For years on end, I've handled everything on my own. In elementary school and in 6th and 8th grade, I was teased terrible for being different, for developing before anyone else. I never told my parents because I didn't want them to worry since they had so much on their plates due to my older siblings. So as I ridiculed for being the smart, quiet, and dorky girl, I just beared it all and let them. Its really a funny thing now that I look back on it. I was mostly teased by girls in 4th grade because I had grown in "certain" places. Basically, I had boobs before all of the others girls. I didn't really care. I wasn't really conscious on how my body was developing earlier than all the other girls, but they were. I would always get punched in the chest ot something like that. And its just so funny now. I mean I know that they were kids at the time, but really they just picked on me because they were unsatisfied with themselves. And this continued up until 7th grade. In 7th grade, I made sure no one teased me.
This is how I did it: I forced myself to be more outgoing. I bought better clothes, changed my hair up and well, I got a hell of a lot more friends. So much friends that even the most popular kids in school knew me. I was one of them and I was on top of my game, as high as the social tower went in middle school. No one messed with me then. And it felt good. Of course, just because I changed how I looked and sometimes acted, it didn't mean I mistreated people. I was still myself despite making myself more outgoing. I was nice to everyone and didn't make fun of people. I still maintained my awesome grades, which as some of you may know (if you read my previous blogs) were the only thing that I strove to have in order to recieve attention from my family. But even though I had all those friends, I still felt alone. I still felt sad. Nothing changed that when I went home.
Moving on though, 8th grade I moved to a new school where I knew no one, like I have done this year, and I started off as the loner. I sort of wilted back into my own shell. And for someone reason, a rumor started about me sleeping with guys and whatnot. And I thought it was the most hilarious thing ever because I hardly even talked with anyone. I get along better with guys generally, but I didn't even talk with many the whole school year. The only guy that I talked to and eventually became good friends with was this guy Andres. And he was similar to me, in a sense that we were both loners who had an issue with self-harm, via physcially and mentally.
Okay now I think I'm just blabbering here. I really got into it didn't I? See, once I get going, I can never just seem to stop writing. Sorry about that. But what I was getting at is that from a young age, as many people did, I endured harship on my own. And since I've done so much on my own, now I crave so dearly to truly have someone there. And I know at my age I shouldn't really be seeking it in some relationship that will likely not last. And for some reason beyond me, I seek to have that closeness and dependency in a guy and not like a best friend or something. And the reason I don't seek this a best friend is because of the way I am. I'm the big listener. I give advice to anyone who asks and give my honest opinion. Really, I've been a therapist to tons of my friends, but never had anyone really done the same for me. It wasn't that they were bad friends, but it was just that I always keep things to myself, always swallow my feelings.Many would tie this want for a dependable partner to a lack of a father-daughter relationship. And maybe its true, because me and my dad will never see eye to eye, just as he and my older brother don't. And the reason we don't see eye to eye with my dad is because he is a very, very, VERY stubborn man when it comes to seeing the errors in himself, but he's one that's quick to point everyone else's. Sure, its his big flaw, but he's still my dad and he's still a good man that's provided for me and my family.
So connecting this to beginning, its a lot to think about in the time that I spend waiting to get picked up everyday. And being alone and looking for someone to share quality time with is not the only thing among my thoughts. I've been thinking about college and just how unmotivated I am to get off my ass and start applying. I do want to go a univeristy and get an awesome degree in English Literature & Compostion and Creative Writing. But like biting me in the butt, some symptoms still nag at me. All I seem to do nowadays is look forward to coming home only to sleep. Just sleep and sleep. And eat. I know I have important things to do and sign up for, but I just can't do them, even though I know I want to and should. And this is seemed to be called being in a state of Moratorium. I want to go places and do so many things and I know how to get there, but I won't make a move. This contributes to me feeling at a standstill, stuck in a time that is too fast and yet too slow.
But thankfully, I do have a mother that will push me to do things even if I don't want to. She's making me fill out college applications by a deadline. Or else…. O.o
And that's another thing. College. I orginally wanted to go to Washington state because I was born there and do not remember a thing about it. And from what I hear about it, it is perfect for me. But despite how much I may want to get as far away from the places I know, I want to stay close to my family, as would many people. But mostly, its because I fear of being alone. Sure, it would make me that much more independent, but in a whole new state? Pfft, I would be starting a whole new life. And I would at least like to start off with what I have, which is why I've resorted to applying to colleges in cities not far from home. But jeez, another 4 years of school? I'm so tired of school. And I know college isn't the same, but ugh…anything related to school, I just want it to go away. Alas, I must go! So wish me luck as I apply to colleges. Hopefully all of my academicfailures last yeardon't prevent me from getting into a good college.