Sorry that I haven't been around much the past couple of days . As I said in my last blog I haven't been feeling well dueto this dumb cold .
I don't understand what's been going on with me the last few days . I've been so negative and angry and unhappy with my marriage and living situation . . . where before this I was satisfied with most of it . I have the things I need ~ a home to live in , food on the table , work to give me some income ( even if it's only part-time ) and self-confidence , a beautiful son who loves me as much as I love him , and a supportive family regarding my illness and insurance to cover my psychiatric , therapy and medicines . I have a husband who's great with me most of the time . So why am I so angry and dissatisfied ?
Part of it I know is real ; the frustration , pain and anger towards my husband's behavior towards our son , who's not even 7 yet. Most of the time my husband is home he's either watching t.v. or playing on the computer , or asleep because of working the graveyard shift . But he really doesn't spend much quality time with either Zachary or I ; his idea of quality time is us sitting on the couch watching Nascar or whatever other sport happens to be on . If it's something Zachary wants to watch as a family or that I want to watch with just Aaron and I , he goes and does something else.
As far as behavior towards our son ~ he alwaysfinds the negatives , the weaknesses to point out . He rarely congratulates him for a job well done , but constantly rides him about something he's done improperly or isn't doing well enough . Just the other night at dinner was a scenario of this ~ Zachary is relearning how to use a fork to eat with ( he hates using a fork because he's clumsy with it ) , and he was using his fork to eat through the whole meal . Instead of congratulating him on mastering that skill and using it without us reminding him about it , Aaron got nasty and condescendingly pointed out that he needed to chew with his mouth shut , he was disgusting when he did that . Really?! That's what you have to say to him during the whole time during dinner ?! So I made a point to tell Zachary that I was really proud of him for doing so well with eating with his fork instead of using his fingers . Then I explained gently that it was considered "rude" to chew with your mouth open .
Later on I pulled Aaron aside and angrily told him that I thought he was being a bully and specifically targeting Zach's weaknesses to make him feel inferior because Aaron needed to reinforce that he was the adult and in control . Obviously he didn't like it or appreciateit , but I really didn't care . It needed to be said out loud and addressed . I won't tolerate that kind of treatment ~ my father did that same thing to me my entire life , and I ended up growing up feeling like no matter what I did it wasn't good enough . I had zero self-confidence and always picked out my own flaws and magnified them until they became all of who I believed myself to be . No child deserves to feel like they're a failure . And emotional abuse , and that's what Iconsider this ( no doubt about it ) is just as harmful in many ways as physical abuse is . I've gotten to the point that I don't like leaving Zachary alone with his Dad because I don't want him experiencing this type of nonsense . You're supposed to builda child's self-esteem when they're young and help them discover what they love and excel at , and guide them along gently on the things that they need some extra help with .
It's also really hard because Aaron has been very moody and mean-spirited lately . He has a short-fuse and lately has been blowing up at me and Zachary a lot for insignificant things . While Aaron was sick this weekend Zachary wanted to help make Daddy feel better . So he went and got a sheet to make the couch "softer to sleep on" and an over- abundance of pillows for him . Then he offered to make his Dad a PBJ sandwich ( the only thing he knows how to make on his own ,which he's very proud of ) , and when denied took his Dad a packet of his favorite angry bird cookes . Then he tucked Aaron in and told him he loved him and he wanted him to get better quick .
Shortly after Zach was rummaging around in the freezer and I asked him what he was doing , and he said he wanted to make Daddy an ice-pack for his head . I suggested just getting a wash-cloth and rinsing it in cold water instead . Well , he was excited because he was making Daddy feel better , but didn't realize that he needed to wring the wash-cloth out of extra water . So he went and put it on Aaron's forehead ( who had fallen asleep ) , and all hell broke loose . I'm standing in the kitchen making dinner and then I hear this explosion of cussing coming from the living room and Aaron yelling at Zach ," What the hell are you doing ?! Why would you wake me up by soaking me ?! " . Poor Zach explained that he was just trying to cool his forehead and get rid of a headache for him ~ to which Aaron replied nastily , "Well I don't HAVE a headache . Don't do that again . "
Zachary came running into the kitchen in near tears by his father's nasty reaction to Zach's intention to make him feel better . I ended up yelling at Aaron from the kitchen about how he should be appreciative of Zachary's efforts because it simply meant that he was showing his love for him . Aaron just grumbled and complained that now his hair and shirt were soaked .
I don't care how crappy you feel , you should thank your little boy for trying to help you , even if it doesn't turn out the way he intended .
Then there's the contempt I feel for Aaron right now . I'm disgusted when I'm around him because he takes me for granted as well as his only child . Most the time I feel like a maid and housekeeper to a lazy , messy man . I have enough to take care of keeping up with Zachary , who at least TRIES to clean up after himself . Aaron on the other hand just sits on his butt and does very little . There are 3 adultsin our household , but only 2 of us cook ~ and he's not one of them . It really angers me that my Mom waitresses 5 days a week , up to 12 hours a day without anything more than an occasional 5 minute break and then feels like she has to come home and stand for another hour to make dinner on the nights that I don't or can't for some reason . My thinking is that if he has time to watch t.v. for 3 – 4 hours at a time , he can find the time to make dinner once or twice a week .
I often feel like I'm raising 2 children , and it frustrates me in a way that I can't even begin to explain . In many ways he still behaves like the 17 year old boy I dated in high school . He's now 32 . I think it's safe to saythat it's about time to grow up !
But then there's the other side of him . . . and it's the reason I haven't ended things between us . That part of him is loving , affectionate , kind , caring , and only wants to please the ones he loves ; including our son . He takes care of me when I'm ill , tries to be considerate and thoughtful of us , provides for us and never complains or gets mad that I'm not capable of working much due to the illness . In fact , he often questions the wisdom of my decision when I take on anything new or add days to my work schedule to make me think about how it might affect my mental well-being . He offers to take me to my therapy and doctors appointments and has become a real advocate for me and what I'm fighting with . He's silly often too make me laugh when I feel down or Zachary's upset . And he often texts me to say goodnight when he's gone to work and I'm getting in bed , and calls me first thing in the morning to say hello before anyone else . He doesn't drink , do drugs, go out and party or any of that stuff . He's responsible and dependable about almost everything , and I know that he'll always do his best to take care of me or Zachary if something bad were to happen .
I guess it's like the Cherokee story about the 2 wolves . A little boy once asked his grandfather about good and evil and why some people were bad . In answer , his grandfather told him this;
" In every man there exists 2 wolves fighting inside . One is good , and one is evil". The little boy looked at him and said , " Well how does one wolf win ? ". His grandfather looked deep in his eyes and replied , " My child , it's thewolf you choose to feed . "
My question is , what wolf is Aaron feeding more ? And how do I help him feed the right one to encourage him to be a better father and husband ?