I have been doing too much thinking lately. A really bad practice for someone with OCD, as you all know. I've been wondering about my husband and how my OCD affects him. I have been thinking about my son and what he will think of me one day when he figures out what OCD is. And I have been thinking about things I fear, why do I fear them, what do I fear about them. And I think I have figured out most of my fears, doubt, anxieties, etc. can all be traced back to my fear of death. I fear it in such an out of control way. Not a normal fear of death someone, most folks, have, because it is something we have no idea about. I fear it every single day. Seriously, I think about it pretty much everyday, which is awful. I think about people's bodies in coffins a lot and it makes me want to cry. When celebrities die for some reason I always think about what their bodies looked like when they were found. It isn't because I am sick and morbid or something…I just wonder as I think about what their bodies must look like, did they look different when they were still alive seconds earlier? Did the life departing their bodies make the appearance of the body change somehow? I know, what an odd thing to think about. I;m odd, sorry, I don't know how to explain. And then I worry about the death of my husband or son or family members. I fear finding their bodies, them already gone, and being unable to talk to them. Being unable to say I love you to them one more time. Being unable to see the color of their eyes or the crinkle of their lips as they smile or the sparkle in their eyes. It makes knots form in my throat. And I carry out compulsions all the time to try and ward off this doom. I kiss my husband goodbye in a particular way. I say I love you to a point that drives folks nuts. And I have to be the last to say it. Have to be. Why do I fear death so much. So very, very much. It is such a scary, horrifying thing to me. Devastatingly scary.

4 Comments
  1. Its_Not_Me_Its_OCD 11 years ago

    You are deffinately not sick and morbid.  Its your ocd causing you to have these thoughts.  And because you are troubled by these thoughts, then you know you are not sick, because they BOTHER you.  I know its so hard, do you tell your husband about these worries of death? Maybe he could help by talking to you about it! Feel Better! :]

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  2. fallingangel 11 years ago

    I feel the same way about death. It's at the root of my obsession about my heart beating fast. I'm afraid my heart will explode and I will die. I actually had a terrible anxiety attack last night, but I made it through.

    Being afraid of death is perhaps the worst obsession, since there's really no scientific evidence that there's life after it. I feel like I'll never be completely comforted until such evidence is discovered. I'll never understand how people can be at peace with the fact that there may be nothing after death.

    I hope I didn't worry you more with all of this. Just know that you're not alone.

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  3. smh2010 11 years ago

    I think a lot of OCD issue boil down to control, or lack thereof.  Death is the big one we can't control.  Its permance is also awful and strange.  I personally don't fear death, perhaps because I'm a Christian who does believe in heaven.  But my fear of germs stems from a lack of control.  You can be a good person, and take precausions, but one slip up or even something beyond your control, you can still end up sick.  I think I try to put the fear in box and my ocd tries to pretend to squish it.  In reality it just makes it worse. So your in no way strange.  And i'm sure your loved ones love you as much as you love them.

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  4. ocdmama 11 years ago

    I have these fears as well.It is horrible!I dont like thinking of it but i feel better knowing that there is God and that when we die we can go be with HIM for eternity <3

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