I read the blogs on here and a lot off ppl feel worthless, well at least they have something in their lives like friends and family that cares. I don't even have that. I have one friend only because M is bipolar and knows what it's like to go off the deep end. My parents used to love me, but now all they care about is new carpeting. It is a good thing I don't have kids, but then again sometimes they are what makes life worth living. I might have made a terrible mistake by not having any.

I look so ugly. All my fault for drinking and going nuts. Again. This time was so bad, my hair is all cut off.I am desperately trying to getit fixed no matter what the cost. I have savingsI will just spendit on that. I will probably be very poor in the future no matter what, I doubt my modestsavings willhelp me in the long run. So… why not spend it on hair extentions?And guess what? I found out the lady who doesthe extentionsis mean. She criticizes your look before you go to her. What the fuck is she gonna say when she sees chopped off hair and shaved eyebrows that basically spell "break down"? She is going to make fun of me and here I am paying everything I have to get some help… I don't know what i'm gonna say. How can I possibly go in there now? Maybe I should just stay in the house until my hair grows back, where have I been going anyway? What have I been doing but spending time alone? It hardly matters that I'm so ugly. But just the thought of K wanting to see me and then I can't because of how I look kills me.

I can't stop buying things to top everything else off. I can't stop spending and I need money for my extentions and a new phone… what am I going to do?

I am horrific looking. I can barely go out into the public and when I was drunk and doing all this to myself I KNOW I was thinking that I just want an excuse to drop out of the world and hide and never be seen. But the reality is I can't just disappear. I have to live and I can't live looking like this. Everyone is going to just laugh at me. I don't know what to do, this is the worst breakdown I've ever had and I can't go to the hospital because I can't tell my parents how bad it is. I can't tell them how messed up I am they can't handle it. They are TOO OLD and TOO SELFISH to know the truth. I will never get the help I need, and even if I did go to the hospital I doubt it will help. My therapist didn't even help and God knows we paid her enough.