Well, I haven't wrote a blog since, what, September 7th. That's, well, a while ago and I thought maybe I should write a few things before I have to go.
Well for the most part since I've been on my life has been the average pain, ya know. My father still badgers me and yells. Nothing too big has really happened. Oh wait…just remembered one thing he did do that broke me quicker than uasual. I think I have enough time to write about it so, here it goes.
Well one night my dad was already a bit annoyed I guess, but we were having dinner and I was sitting with my one leg under my butt wit the other on the other side of the table leg. It was becoming a bit uncomfortable so I moved a bit and I guess it looked like I was trying to move away from him. So pissed, he got up and said that he would eat somewhere else. Upon leaving, I was a bit out of it, still trying to process what he did.
So eats out in the kitchen, then comes back when I was almost done. He sits down and starts his questions, such as; "I know you hate me, you've made that very clear. Why do you do this to people?"
I still can't understand what the hell he means by 'people', I sure a hell don't do anything hateful to others. He just kept badgering me with questions, yelling at me when I left to clean my plate. I had to come back so he could hurt me more. I wouldn't sit back down, making him very angry. He kept saying sit down to the point where he almost started full out yelling loudly. Finally he just started hitting me with questions and hurtful comments. Knowing he would attack me me with anything he's got, I didn't say anything. Just stood in the doorway, trying my hardest to hold as straight face.
Finally I got away and I went upstairs to my 'room'. But before I got fully away, I was just so pissed that I hit him on the arm and kicked him in the leg before rushing upstairs. Not being able to do anything else, I grabbed a pillow and started to cry my eyes out. He hadn't allowed me to grab my computer, which is what I needed the most, because I could get help from my best friend Caroline through Skype. Later on, which was only about 20 minutes he came back upstairs and into my room. He asked me to say I was sorry, but of course I didn't. I mean I was sure as hell not. That made him mad once again, and he still wouldn't let me get my laptop.
It just went on something like that for about an hour or so more, before I got to my computer. In that time, I was so messed up and confused. That really added onto my pain, making my already empty soul and heart rip open wider into a larger black hole of sadness and regret. All I can ask everyday is, 'Why me? Why can't I have a father? Any bit of happiness I feel is so hollow and temporary. What did I do to deserve this? I want to know, so badly.'
I remember this odd and annoying feeling all the way bad as far as I can remember. Now I know what it is. I had always felt this, but would never say anything because I didn't know if someone would get mad or it was normal. All I knew is that, I didn't like it and wanted it gone.
Thanks to anyone who read this! Thank you so much for putting some ime aside and listening. I know this is long, I type fast and I had a longer period of time then I thought.
There is no need to thank us for reading because that is what this for. I'm sorry for what happened especially since i have a similar situation when I was still at my house. I would often get in arguements with my parents because I something wrong or something else. It would seem like everytime I did something wrong my parents would always find something to tell me that I did wrong. One example is when i would get in arguements with my brother and this happened quite often. My brother has a bad anger problem and my parents know about it but still blame me half the time even though he will get angry at little things. Then he would call my parents at work and say I did something while yelling at them. I would not even get to tell my side and now my parents are angry. Then I would call them after awhile in the hope they calmed down to try to explain my sidce but they were often so pissed that they would not pick up the phone or they would tell me go to my room. Now I'm alone in my room and hating myself because I caused this to happen because I accidently set my brother off. Then my parents would come home yelling at us from the moment they entered. They would take the phone away (so I could not call my friends or girlfriend), my computer and anything else they can. Then they would tell me to sit alone in my room for awhile which is the worst thing to do because I was not not in the best mental state especially when I was alone because I would haate myself. Then my parents would call a family meeting. This always makes me laugh sadly because of the family meeting being called that. When we were brought down we were given some rules. 1. We couldn't leave until told so (because they had our stuff) 2. We couldn't speak because they called it a listening exerice. So basically we had to sit there while the were complaining and yelling about what we did. They would also complain that they can get fired for being on the phone for 5 min but they never got in trouble and they would call us sometimes. They still have not heard my story so when I try and talk about it they would yell most of the time shut up. Eventually I would give up and either leave or sit there and start to think they were right. In the end, I would go to my room after or during this meeting and be alone again. If i had a phone I would call my best friend or girlfriend. If not I would just sit there and try to do schoolwork. The point of this very long story is to express there is a light at the end. I have left for college and am now on my own as a freshmen. I still suffer from chronic depression but it has been a lot eaiser with being gone from my parents because there is no one trlling me everyday im messing up besides myself. The two tips I have is to try and remember that there will be a way out soon and try to talk to people about it. My girlfriend and some other people were more than happy to listen to me for hours and it sounds like you have the same with your friend on skype. Also, the apolgys would be another big thing because my parents would come up and ask for an apology as well but I would give it to them because I faked it or I started to believe that I did do something wrong. I'm saying please dont do this because it is not good because you do believe you did something wrong if you apologize. I'm sorry for the long comment and the long story but i want to say you are not alone with these experiences and we are all here as well if you need help in any way
Thanks Royoboy, it helps to know that I'm not completely alone in this. I'm sorry you had to deal with the same type of problem. Also, thanks for reading and bothering to comment 😀