August 1

Another sunrise.  I made it thru the night.  I feel tired and scared.  My kids voices are like neetles the cat’s touch is burning me – things I once loved.  J made me eat – lard and pasta.  Alls i need is Diet Pepsi and cigarettes… didn’t he get the memo????

This is rock bottom – only up from here right?

I guess I have to come to terms with being a nut.  Here I come nut house.  Little glimmer of hope since I suck as a teacher…. SUNY has a degree I’m interested.  If I survive this I vow to follow thru and change life for the better – Heal the World as the song so nicely states – thanks Michael RIP.

Who could’ve predicted the past years events????  The day J cried beggin for air as I was sucking every breath out of him.  That lead to talks of divorce, moving in with mom  etc….  I made the calls to get help but the wrong ones as I said the wrong things…..

J on the other hand found B.  J made changes and I was stuck going no where just deeper in to isolation.  Ultimately affecting my family and my job.

The ability to help people is an amazing one.  WHen I saw how J was changing I at first resented the changes but most importantly B.  Then came our first couples session.  I was angry, defensive and vulnerable.  I wanted to run away but B creatively called me up on it and roped me in.  I’m grabbing onto the rope right now.

Here I am today post 2 attempts (river and booze).  I compulsively email/text B – taking him away from his family.  What the F is wrong with me?  What the F am I to gain from this????  In some ways I"m still that 16 year old worse off than before.

What am I hoping to accomplish?  I hope B scares away easily ’cause I’m trying my best to be as disfunction as I can.  Hey it worked for M and my former co workers (they scattered like flies).  I’m doing my damness to do it to J.  I sucked what I could from G and D (thanks for the drinks by the way and the comfy bed to crash in).

Everyone please come here… now go away! cause here I come looney bin – as I wait for monday at 4.  Just try and pull me out of the water… the under current is VERY STRONG

Time for another smoke.  Beer anyone???????