A month. It’s a month till I jump off the edge. A month till I say I’m normal again. A month till I have to cope with real life, with people who don’t really give a shit about me. I’ve been packing to ease nervous energy, I cleared out space in the attic and have my own "moving back to college section" full of boxes of winter clothes, cutlery, pots, pans, coffeemakers, printer, flatscreen…things that try to reassure me that things will be okay. I look at the beginings of my compilations and I tell myself that I am ready, I have everything(materially) I need. I sat there for 20 minutes crying and going through my already packed boxes listing everything I’d packed to make sure I knew what I had packed and what hadn’t yet made it to the attic.
I have to facebook my future roommates, the girls I don’t know, the sorority girls, the pretty girls, the -already best friends girls. I have to ask them what I should bring for the apartment. As a backstory I’ll just say that I was supposed to live with this clique I was a part of but when I became depressed they turned on me. I ended up having to leave mid second semester because things got so bad and I would have killed myself. I left believing I would live with these girls next year(don’t ask why I wanted to live with the people that made my life hell) they said they wanted to live with me in this apartment, that they weren’t going to abandon me and they’d work things out. The night before I had to select housing they facebooked me and told me they’d replaced me in the apartment and that I was on my own. There are no single suites on campus. I would have to find an appartment off campus, far from campus and all the students….all while I was 500 miles away dealing with my depression at home. I broke down wanted to kill myself, my parents called the cops to our house and forced me to go to the hospital….which I did not want. Thing eventually settled down and out of sheer luck I was offered a room in an apartment in the most desired on campus housing with these girls.
I saw on facebook one of the girls that ditched me for housing posting how excited to live in the apartment next year with another girl…and I hated her, I hated them, I hate the subject, another reminder that I have been ostracized even though they say it’s "totally not like that" and they’re really sorry. BS. They love how things turned out and I hate them for taking pleasure in that. I hope the apartment goes disasterously somehow, cockroaches, bad neighbors anything….because I am petty, and hurt, but mostly petty.
I haven’t met my roommates, but they look very….well they’re not weird, they’re not anime freaks and they like to drink and party but don’t look to sloppy. Part of me sees this as such a gift and blessing. I mean these girls could be awful, and not see me as good enough, popular enough, pretty enough…idk the lacking problem I had in high school. Maybe though, it’s a life preserver that I can have a different world apart from past "friends" who basically drove me out of college and now want to be my friend. I hope so, but I don’t want to jinx it. I’ll be so nervous when I get there, I swear I’m gonna pop a shit of vicadin on the drive up, because I feel like first impressions….that will give me a better view of things, of my situation.