So my birthday was yesterday. It started out great. My boyfriend didn’t have to go to Georgia like they said they were gonna send him, so he came over. Then my best friend Nick with another friend of mine, Brian. My friend Michele came over, pregnant with my goddaughter & brought her boyfriend. Lastly my friend who got hit by a train [[Joshua Kosh, maybe you’ve heard of him]] came over. We were all having a great time, playing pool & hanging out. Then, 2 hours in the party, it started getting crappy.

Since I was about 12, I’ve always wanted to put my brothers names on me. For my birthday, my uncle was going to do my first tattoo, Seth on my left shoulder blade. I’ve been looking forward to this for the longest time. Getting my tattoos is a big thing that I’m allowed to control. Well, to me, anyways. It’s just really important to me that I go through with these tattoos. But yeah. I called my uncle to see if he had the equipment to do my tattoo like I asked him to get 2 MONTHS before my birthday. He told me he hadn’t ordered the needles, but he could swing by & give me the designs. Needless to say, I was angry. So I started pretending I was fine & it wasn’t a big deal, & only 2 people didn’t buy it. Neither of them was my boyfriend. But after that & some cake, we all settled down to play card games. Out of no where, my boyfriend tells me, "Baby, I was thinking about breaking up with you the other day & just being a manwhore for like…10 seconds." I just kinda froze there a minute…I couldn’t…can’t believe that he said that to me. I mean, am I really just that disposable? He’d rather risk getting a disease than be with me? But, once again, I started to pretend that everything was okay, even though I was/am really hurt. Oh, & my uncle never came to give me those designs.

Today wasn’t all that bad. I got to talk to my brother Seth today. He’s doing good. He sounds so much older now than before, & he’s so talented on electric guitar, just like our father, Thad. Me & Thad aren’t on good grounds at all right now because he puts no effort in trying to keep up with me. He expects me to keep up with him only, & I refuse to be the only one putting into a relationship that he’s not putting into, you know? So me & him don’t talk, which is resulting in me not being able to see my brothers Seth & Dakota. I love my brothers more than anything on this Earth. They are my worlds. But anyways, I apologized to Seth for not being able to see him. We’re going to try to see each other this weekend, but I doubt that’s possible ’cause his mom doesn’t like him getting outside the house. I’ve been thinking about just bearing it with Thad so I can see my brothers, but that man drinks, smokes pot, sleeps with random women, picks on us big time [[he’s called me a fat whore once]], & just so many other things that I can’t put up with. I don’t know…

School is starting soon, & it’s going to be my Senior year. I’ll be the first to graduate in 3 generations of my family. I should be the one celebrating. But my mother has told me over & over again that SHE is going to rub it in the whole family’s face because of HER accomplishment. My graduating is her accomplishment. My hard work, studying, & stressing over tests is her accomplishment. She’s going to blow up my Senior year & make it all about her. Isn’t it supposed to be all about me? I mean, it’s MY Senior year. If she wanted to make a Senior year about her, why didn’t she graduate? I don’t see why she has to be such a showoff for something she didn’t even do.

I don’t have my liscense yet. My mom & her husband have to get their finances together & see if they can afford my car insurance. I told them I’d help, but my mom says she doesn’t want me getting a job. Then she turns around & shoves it in my face when I get in trouble. "Dammit, Sam! This is the sh*t I get for trying to pay your car insurance!?" It’s ridiculous. She does that with everything she bothers to help me with. But whatever. It’s just her, I guess.

I’m going to try to write a blog every chance I get. I used to keep up with a journal, but then the guy I was in Love with & was dating on & off for the past 4 years left me, & that was it. I had/have no energy to do anything. So maybe this will help me. I mean, I’m not going to lie, I like to tell people about what’s going on. But only because I like to hear their input. I hate when people tell me I’m only doing it for attention…They don’t know how I work or my reasons behind anything. They don’t know me.