I am a woman who had a lot of dreams and going to the Airforce was one of them. As long as I can remember I had always been taking care of someone else. I never really had a choice it was either to watch my four other siblings or in a room in by myself. When I graduated I thought I was free.

After one year of being out of school, I decided to join the Airforce, but there was another plan in store for me. After being sworn into the Airforce I found out that I was pregant. I cried for weeks, and I just couldnt believe what was happening to me. but I knew that I had to do the right thing.

I could never come to terms of having an abortion, because I believed if I laid then i paid for the consequences. I decided to keep my baby, and no matter what I was I going to make the best of a bad situation.

But before, I jump ahead of myself I must explain, how a young woman like myself ended up in this situation. When I knew deep down inside that I never wanted to be a mother anytime soon. I had plans and a child was never in them. I wanted to travel the world, and that world has I knew it was crashing down on me like a ton of bricks.

In the fall of 95-96 I attended a school in Ohio. And I had planned to graduate early to that I could join the Airforce as soon as possible. I didnt really have any friends at this school expect for the one friend who lived on the same street as myself. I remained quite and recluse from any and everyone who, threathened my chances of getting to the Airforce and freedom.

I guess i caught the eye of a certain young man (who really had other intentions in mind) and he claimed that he wanted to get to know me and to have a relationship with me. Well, to make a long story short we dated for awhile and I feel headover heels in love. I was on cloud nine and no one could bring me down. That was until my "boyfriend" decided that he wanted to cool things down for a minute and he could start dating another girl. Now, this was something that I was not use too.

I cried for days and wanted to do anything that would make him see that I was the one that he loved. I opened up to him like had never before done and I got dumped on. I stopped wanting anything in the world and decided that all my energy would to try to win his love back. of, nothing worked, never returned my calls, he didnt even want to see my in school. It was like I was nothing.

Then one day he decided that he wanted to talk. I called a friend, I wanted her to tell me not to go. I guess I just wanted someone to help me make a good choice. Well, suffice it to say I went any way. I called a cab that become my coffine of hell.

As I walked down the dark streets of Ohio, in the middle of the night a lot things where going through my head. I wanted him to say that he loved me and that he had made a mistake. I wanted him to tell that he was sorry for the way that he treated me and that he would never leave me alone again. But that never happened.

When i approached his friends house, he brought me up to his room and knew what he wanted. He began kissing me and telling me that he loved me and that he didnt want us to be apart anymore. I told him that I didnt want to have sex with him until I knew that he was for real. He assured me that he wanted me and only me. then he began to pull my clothes off. I pleaded and begged him to stop but he was strong and I knew this was a losing battle. So, when he took what he wanted he got up and told me to leave. I just layed there like for a while not sure of what just happened. Everything was wrong. My heart began to race and I couldnt speak. What had just happend to me? What was wrong with me? Why couldnt I move?

That was years ago and I still have nightmares, everytime the month and date come up. My heart races and I cant seem to stop crying. I never did press charges, yeah I called the police and reported it but I was so stupid that I let him get away with it. He told me that I was a liar and that I knew that he would could never do that to me. So, I started to doubt myself. Had he raped me? Was I wrong? And still til this day I am never really sure.

Well, now history had repeated itself. I have been with this guy for 12 years, (no not the rapist) and we ended up getting married. Which we have been for 10 years. It has not always been rosey and he was not the prince charming all the time, but I knew that I loved him and I was never letting him go. I would do anything that I could to have him. I wanted to buy his love just so that I could make sure that I could keep him. Because we had met before and it ended with me being pregant by someone else and us going our separate ways. but when I ran into him again i promised myself that I would not let him get away a second time.

Well, now 10 years have pasted and we have 3 kids (including the one not biologically his). And well, since then a lot has changed. We have had our problems and there have been cheating on both sides. I did the most hurting, but i didnt deserve to hurt like I have been these last couple of months.

Because of my indiscesrtions I caused my husband a lot of pain. It caused him to move us out of the state of Ohio to Nevada. We moved 2000 miles away to escape the problems I caused him. well in the end I only made matters worse. when I finally came to my senses, it was too late. My husband had his last straw and decided that he was tired of me and myselfish act.

well, of course i pleaded with him that I would change and that I would make us work. but he was not hearing me this time. so, I moved into my own apartment with our children. The first night that we are there he closes the door and began kissing me and pulling my clothes off. I tell please not to do this because it will only make matters worse and give me a false sense of hope. He assured me that was not the case. So, he took what it was that he wanted and then pulled his pants up and let.

Now, that was a month ago. And I am having panic attacks and crying all the time. I am feeling the same way the boy in high school did to me. but again i am at a crossroads. I tried to tell him that i didnt want him to do that and i never gave him permission. so, i started calling it rape. and when i tried to talk to a family member about it she went and told him! Now, I am the outcast, and I am not sure if what I am feeling was rape. I am I wrong? What do I do? I take a lot of sleeping pills to help me sleep through the night but it never works i only sleep for about 3 hours a night and the rest of the day i have anixety attacks and my heart is always racing. Could someone please tell why this is and what I should do. I am lost and alone. I am so alone.


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